12
Apr

Lessons Learned from the “Woman’s” Exam Day…

Biomedical hazard

Warning: Get 2 of your favorite beverages first.

Remember how I dreaded the annual check-up with my internist and my dental adventure? Well, yesterday was the final “installment” in my exam trilogy: the “woman’s exam.” And while this exam is every woman’s annual nightmare, mine took place on a rare Texas spring day…I think. The weather more accurately represented a spring day in Chicago, with torrential downpours, bone-chilling winds and low temperatures. Here’s the “takeaway”  and plot synopsis from this year’s nightmare:

1. Don’t get dressed in the morning–it saves time when exposing various private parts to complete strangers.

2. If traffic is stopping in odd places while proceeding to the clinic, it may be because one is doing a modern-day rendition of Lady Godiva. See # 1.

3. There are actual decently close parking spaces at the clinic at 8:30 am. Of course, this was probably the one and only time I qualified for parking in the Nudist Colony reserved parking space.

4. Check-in with receptionist # 1. Well, maybe. Her computer is down and has to reboot. This, of course, is the one and only time she’s had to do that and of course, this is the one and only time I am a few minutes late already for appointment # 1.

5. Fill out same questionnaire I fill out every blessed year. How many pregnancies have you had? (Since I went through menopause in my mid-40s, I think it’s pretty safe to say that I won’t be getting preggers any time soon.) How many live births have you had? I prefer to be alive while giving birth. I guess I’m rather rare?

6. Address an envelope to myself for the mammogram results. Since I haven’t moved in over 20 years, would it really be that hard for them to address the envelope based on the voluminous info in my file? Their bills seem to address themselves and make it to my house just fine.

7. Disrobe top half of my body (You didn’t really think I did the Lady Godiva thing, did you?) and clean off deodorant just put on 30 minutes ago. Feel sorry for anyone who has to smell my armpits for the next few hours, except maybe for the technician who’s going to squish my chest soon. Mutter something incomprehensible about not remembering I can’t wear deodorant. And why does wearing deodorant offend mammogram machines??? Hmmm.

8. Try not to freak out when a total stranger moves my boobs all over the place. Thanks to previous such exams, they do move easier this time around. However, since they are smaller due to weight loss, the technician decides they’re not movable enough. *embarrassing sigh*

9. Wonder if I will be performing a belly dance later when she suggests that I stick things to my nipples.

10. Pray to God that she will get these little x-rays on the first “try.”

11. Re-robe for the first time.

12. Exit exam room and prepare to jaunt to the adjacent building for next demeaning exam. (Note: It’s kinda important not to mix up # 11 and # 12.)

13. Mutter something un-Christian when a cold, torrential downpour is between me and the adjacent building. Grr.

14. Run the 50 yard dash in Olympic record time. Drip a waterfall 0n immaculate waiting room floor # 2.

15. Check in with receptionist # 2. Note that she could do stand-up after her day job. Note that you are not amused.

16. Drip all over immaculate waiting room chairs.

17. Pull out next Slow Reader book. Search for one of 3 pairs of reading glasses in the bottomless pit (aka my purse).  Find 1 pair after removing everything in the pit.

18. Reload all of the above because they just called my name.

19. Get weighed. Try not to look at weight since I am still recovering from the 5-star dinner with the hubby the weekend before.

20. Answer the same questions I’ve answered for the last 20 years. Note that this will be a whole lot more fun when I get Alzheimer’s and can just make up the answers, so that they can freak out for once.

21. Disrobe bottom half of my body…Oh, who am I kidding? This is when I really resembled Lady Godiva. Note that all paper gowns are just pieces of shaped paper faking it. Most of my gowns come with buttons or a zipper. They probably paid extra for the fastener-less ones–a cost they’ll surely pass on to my bill, which they didn’t need me to address.

22. Try to fain confidence as I’m chatting with the doctor.

23. Let her feel me up in every conceivable private part and thank the Lord she’s a she.

24. Re-robe again.

25. Do 2nd 50 yard dash back to main clinic building. Get even wetter.

26. Drip all over main clinic’s building somewhat immaculate floor.

27. Return to mammogram locale and try not to have flashbacks.

28. Go to an exam room smaller than my bedroom closet and try to disrobe bottom half of my sopping wet clothing. I think this is how pretzels are made.

29. Lay down on yet another exam table and allow another x-ray machine to scan me, head to toe, for bone mass density. Wonder if amount of radiation I’m enduring today will kill me tomorrow.

30. Re-robe for the 3rd freaking time. Note that I’ve now tracked mud all over exam room floor. Perhaps they could use the time they’re not addressing envelopes to put in actual sidewalks between clinic buildings???

31. Exit x-ray area again. Try not to have 2 flashbacks.

32. Go to Doctor # 2’s area, check in with receptionist # 99 and ask why they aren’t in the other clinic building so I could drip all over them, too.

33. Sign my life away yet again and wait for allergy shot.

34. Repeat process in # 17 and # 18.

35. Disrobe upper half of my body yet again. Get shot with the world’s thickest allergy serum yet again. Wonder if pouring thicker-than-molasses-in-April serum will slow down the varmints in my back yard who like attacking my new lawn chairs. It sure slows me down.

36. Re-robe for the 99th time. Take ticket to receptionist # 100  and pay for the privilege of being naked all morning long.

37. Do the 50 yard dash to my car. Drip all over my car.

38. Come home. Let dog out. Take off all wet items. Re-apply deodorant since I’m now offending myself.

39. Crawl under bed covers. Try to reclaim a semblance of dignity. Fail miserably.

40. Take a nap and hope the nightmare doesn’t return…for at least another year.

Point to Ponder Challenge: Women–When is the last time you had your “woman’s exam”? Is it time to schedule one? Are you apprehensive about it? If so, find a trusted friend to go with you and celebrate overcoming your anxiety afterwards with a nice lunch or shopping trip. Men–Is there a special lady in your life? If so, when was the last time she took care of these exams? If you think it’s been too long, ask her when she last went. Encourage her to get it done if it’s time and tell her you’re only reminding her because you care about her well-being. And…are YOU up-to-date on any pertinent check-ups, scans and tests? If not, be brave and get it done! Why? Because I care about YOU!

Tomorrow’s Post: Cheese, please…

This entry was posted on Friday, April 12th, 2013 at 6:50 am and is filed under Fun Stuff, Lessons Learned. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

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