03
Jul

MaryAnn’s Hospital Survey…

answer choices

Directions: Submit the best answer for each survey question  in the Comment box at the bottom of your screen. Thank you for your feedback. It will ensure better care for our current and future patients.

1. When treating you for 2 heart attacks, do you prefer:

a. That we endlessly ask you your prehistoric birthdate
b. That we use you as our own personal pin cushion
c. That we bump you down the main thoroughfare of your town on a gurney at 1 am
d. That we call you “Mrs. Hook” during your Care Flite

2. When arriving at the heart catheterization lab, do you prefer:

a. To spend 20 minutes greeting the entire team of people about to surgically cut you open
b. To receive as little anesthetic as possible so you can feel the actual incision
c. To be asked to take deep breaths during your snoozefest
d. To hear “Oops” while we look at your heart on a computer

3. While in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit, do you prefer:

a. For us to re-enact World War II outside your open room door at 2 am
b. To shine bright lights in your eyes precisely when you have just fallen asleep
c. To be convinced you’re a drug addict (after a 14 year hiatus from the last morphine drip) within the first 24 hours of your arrival
d. To ask you to use a bedpan with knives protruding from the seat

4. How was your level of pain controlled?

a. I was comatose until I was out of pain. Rip Van Winkle had fitful sleep by comparison.
b. I vaguely recall being hospitalized and someone calling me Mrs. Hook.
c. I would have slept but it sounded like the re-enactment of World War II outside my door.
d. When did you get the bedpan with knives on top???

5. How courteous and polite were your nurses?

a. I felt like Kate, minus the baby bump.
b. I felt like Zuckerberg’s wife.
c. I felt like Paula Deen.
d. I felt like the bottom of an urban dumpster.

6. How long did your discharge take?

a. Tom Cruise (while in his Top Gun fighter jet) discharged me.
b. Marco Andretti discharged me.
c. Grandma Moses painted an entire gallery of million dollar art while I waited for discharge.
d. Snails have moved faster.

7. If you were to improve one area of our operation, what would it be?

a. Quit employing vampires for lab technicians.
b. Stop asking you survey questions that raise your blood pressure.
c. Empty that bedpan more than every 48 hours.
d. Cease to refer to the procedural routine of the hospital as an “operation.”

8. How was your follow-up care after your discharge?

a. I can’t get any sleep because I keep getting phone surveys from your “operation.”
b. I have repeated nightmares about being an addict.
c. It only took 7 weeks to make my 2 month check-up appointment.
d. I am Kate. Maybe I do have an addiction?

You might also like: Lessons Learned from Completing a Hospital Survey, This I Just Can’t Resist,Lessons Learned from Heart Attacks 3 & 4

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013 at 11:59 am and is filed under Fun Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

comments

2
  1. July 5th, 2013 | Murphy's Saloon Proprietress says:

    Your survey should be published for all hospital stays- if nothing else it would bring much needed humor!

  2. July 5th, 2013 | maryann says:

    The scary part is how much of this is actually true of my stay! 🙂

leave a comment