Today is officially “Be Nasty” Day. And since I have never had much difficulty being nasty (Blame it on being raised in a sarcastic family.), I am particularly fond of the fact that I now have the “luxury” of being old and getting away with saying things I couldn’t say as a “youngster.” I hesitate to share these, for fear my family and friends will now be “on to me.”  But I can’t resist such a golden opportunity…I mean, they “double-dared” me, since it’s actually a day:

1. I don’t remember telling you your nose hairs are too long, but I can see that that’s a very sensitive issue for you.

2. There was fine print?  Sorry, my reading glasses are on vacation.  They have more fun than I do. They are the only thing I own that can afford fun.

3. You want to do a body cavity search? Good luck in there. You may need a flashlight….and a map. No, there’s no “Nav” system for this “neck of the woods.”

4. They STILL pay people to do this???

5. Unless it has carbon paper, I usually don’t have a copy. What do you mean you don’t know what carbon paper is? You haven’t lived until your fingertips and your entire desktop are purply-blue.

6. They don’t make Calvin Klein hearing aids yet, and my ears don’t wear anything generic.

7. You want me to WALK where? Seriously? I’ll need my Calvin Klein cane, as well.

8. Yes, I’ve always been this fat. It was just time to wash the Spanx. They don’t stretch over all of this as well when full of body slime.

9. I’m making paper fans out of the wrinkles on my face. It’s not old…it’s art.  Move over, Picasso. Perhaps Picasso face wrinkle paper fans will pay for my retirement?

10. Co-pay? Oh, I’m sorry. All my money goes to the government. I guess they didn’t send you the memo that they’re paying my co-pays now. And yes, the government says you have to submit it in quadruplicate and then wait a millennium for reimbursement. Don’t blame me. I just work for a living.

Tomorrow’s Post: Growing Up in Seussville…