For those who don’t know already, my Facebook blog page gives me “Page Insights.” This is Facebook-speak for statistics. I have now endured 5 semesters of statistics and it’s 5 semesters of my life I will never get back. To add to my nightmare, “Google Analytics” is also available to me. Understanding Google Analytics is sort of like trying to understand how God can be 3 Persons and yet, one Being. In other words, I need a Ph.D. in Mathematics to understand it. Page Insights is a little easier to understand. Emphasis on the word “little.”

1. I feel honored that Zuckerberg has elected to have me give feedback about the new version of Page Insights. Dang. His marketing worked again.
2. Since many of the graphs are in layered shades of blue, it’s a little like trying to explain the difference between ecru and ivory to your husband.
3. I used to think “Reach” was how long my arm extended from my body. I was wrong. It has to do with how many people see my blog page posts…I think.
4. Engagement has nothing to do with the “adopteds” getting married. That’s good, because I don’t have enough bucks in my bank account to buy that many wedding presents.
5. Heart attacks are good for my “reach” and “engagement.”
6. Based on # 5, y’all are really sick and twisted. Fortunately, I know a counselor who can help you with that. Oh. Wait. She’s sick and twisted, too. Never mind.
7. My recent status statements amuse you. Conclusion? The drugs are working.
8. My readers are more engaged when they misunderstand my status statements. It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me being unclear.
9. There are a lot of really big peaks and really big valleys on my graphs. We’re talking Himalaya-sized here.
10. Based on # 9, I’m very unpredictable. It couldn’t possibly mean my writing is inconsistent.
11. Red arrows and numbers are bad. I used to like red.
12. The number of “likes” for my blog page goes dramatically upward after 6/14/2013. See # 5.
13. The “likes” can come from API stories and ads on Facebook.
14. I don’t have any “likes” from # 13.
15. I am okay with # 13. API stories generally make me nervous. Ditto for Facebook ads.
16. There is an “unlike” button on Facebook. Unfortunately, only those of us who have professional pages can see it…when someone hates us. Thanks, Facebook.
17. My self-esteem just plummeted. Thanks, Facebook.
18. All of my “reach” is organic. I guess that would be when I extend my arm to add to my compost pile and when Maizie “fertilizes” our grass??? So glad I don’t use pesticides on my blog. I really don’t need cancer-causing agents on top of heart attacks.
19. Nobody shares my stuff. That’s okay–I didn’t want other people’s germs anyway.
20. My readers are not morning people. I knew y’all were “my people.”
21. I can stop putting up posts at 7 am. See # 20.
22. Some of you actually work at 8 am in the morning. You’re also rather productive at 9 am, 2 pm, 4 pm and 8 pm. Now you’re spooked, right???
23. I promise I won’t tell your boss about #22.
24. Teens aged 13-17 don’t read my stuff. This makes me officially irrelevant to the next generation. Thanks, Facebook.
25. 75% of my readers are female. I guess I need to do more posts on sports, beer, and sex?
26. My stuff appeals to women my own age. Because women my age run the world.
27. I’m okay with # 26.
28. My next biggest group of readers? Young moms…probably because they’re tired of listening to Barney all day.
29. I have 4 fans from the UK. I prefer to think of them as Liz, Will, Kate and Harry.
30. I appeal to people from 13 different states….of mind.
31. Based on # 30, I can run for President and win, right?
32. I am okay with not doing # 31.
33. I have one fan from Hungary. Thank you, exchange student programs and thank you, Sophie. I am now “global.”
34. I could die from a heart attack waiting for some of Zuckerberg’s graphs to load. See # 5.

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