As part of my Heartpaths assignments, I’m currently reading the book, Mastery by George Leonard. It’s not a particularly “religious” or Christian book–Leonard merely outlines what’s necessary in order to master anything we choose to master.

In Chapter 10 he discusses one of the realities that can derail mastery–homeostasis. Homeostasis exists for a very good reason: to create stability. The problem is that sometimes we need to shake up our homeostats in order to change for the better and master whatever we choose to master. That’s the only way permanent change takes place.

When we succeed in shaking up our homeostats, these pesky little things urgently try to return us to “normal.” Leonard feels that this is why we backslide on New Year’s resolutions to lose weight, exercise more and eat better. He adds that sometimes people can also be homeostats–trying to get us to return to a former state as well.

Did you feel the earthquake last Thursday? No?

I’m glad you didn’t feel it. Because it was awful. It was a 10.

Thankfully, the earthquake was only intended for me. But, earthquake it was.

I met with my spiritual director last Thursday as part of my training at Heartpaths and it was rather obvious, in that meeting, that I have an arrogance problem. This brings tears to my eyes even as I type for several reasons:

1. I’ve already concluded that arrogance and a lack of humility are a huge problem for me and have been really trying not to behave arrogantly. Obviously, I’m failing miserably at that.
2. I’ve always been overly sensitive to criticism. I so wish I could conquer that when people are simply giving me constructive criticism meant for my own good.
3. I think God designed me with a teacher’s heart. While that is probably a good thing long-term, it can create huge problems when trying to strive for humility. I am constantly teaching “in my head” and sometimes it comes out of my mouth when it is least needed.
4. It’s been suggested that I’m becoming more like my mother. Becoming more like my mother is not exactly a compliment for me. It simply reminds me that I’m failing miserably at conquering my faults.
5. This is transpiring in February–the time when my brother decided to quit cancer treatment and died. He was one of my biggest cheerleaders and seemed to know exactly how to help his little sister. It really ouches to know he’s gone when I need it most.
6. I’ve always had low self-esteem. Not exactly sure why, except that I grew up in a household of really bright people and by being the youngest by a long shot, I always felt left out and that I was a moron for not understanding all the conversations in my household.
7. I’m well aware that my low self-esteem causes me to over-compensate when intimidated (which is pretty much all the time) and my over-compensation for it comes off as arrogance.
8. I know only God can fill my low self-esteem abyss, but I can’t quite comprehend how God is going to do that. I keep hoping he will magically fix me, but He doesn’t.