Warning: Get your favorite beverage first. Maybe get two. And can I just add that I’m writing this for my gender, in general? In other words some of this will not apply to specific people within either gender!

Maxim Editor-in-Chief Dan Bova once wrote a hilarious piece on why women need men. But, dear Dan, I would like to state that men need women, too, even though we, as a gender, tend to be highly emotional, chronically-self-loathing, ridiculously verbose, and overly needy individuals, we are useful for some things. Here are a few:

1. You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for us. We actually incubate the male gender for a full nine months. Who else would endure painful childbirth to bring you into the world just so you can annoy us with your messes for the rest of our lives?

2. We diaper your rear end when you’re babies and when you’re senile. While we probably prefer the former because it’s cuter, we will diaper it when it’s senile because we love you unconditionally. We haven’t figured out why. Just consider that one of the “mysteries of life.”

3. We bathe you when you have chickenpox skin. Have you seen how gross chickenpox skin is? We reserve the right to put on hospital gloves first.

4. We listen to you scream when you get shots as children and actually tear up because you are in pain. And then we swat you on that diapered back side when you make your sister cry. Even if she did wreck your Lego Pirate Village.

5. We try to civilize you for your future wife so she doesn’t try to have you committed the first year of marriage when you spend July through early February watching nothing but football. And when you watch basketball and baseball from February to July.

6. We laugh at your potty humor-infused jokes…even when you tell them in front of our disapproving mothers.

7. We stick up for you when our disapproving mothers tell us, yet again, that we could have married better. This we do, even though we’d secretly like to kill you for giving her “ammunition.”

8. We tolerate your mother even when she cooks better than we do and you remind us of that. My advice: Chocolate and flowers are a good way to get yourself out of the doghouse if you choose this aforementioned behavior. And eat our inferior food anyway…like you can’t get enough of it.

9. Even though we know you got your romantic ideas for Valentine’s Day from Twitter that day, we still pronounce you wonderfully romantic. Hint: You might want to delete your internet browsing history.

10. We pull the $ 1.98 Walmart tag off the flowers you bought us when the kids ask, “Where did the flowers come from?” and then we visibly swoon and say, “Your daddy got them for me from the ‘flower shop.’ Isn’t he thoughtful?” And you’re still wondering why that’s oh, so wrong. But, you do get points for the flowers.

11.  We remember your parents’ anniversaries, your parents’ and siblings’ birthdays and Christmas for you so that you can appear to be the best brother and son on Earth. Sometimes we even buy stuff for them and just say it was from you. And then we only smile when you get all the credit. I hate to break it to you, but your mom and sisters know we bought them that stuff.

12.  We immediately become helpless when a spider appears in your presence. We also have an urgent desire to cook with pickles while you are present. However, we somehow manage to kill the spiders and open the pickle jar when you’re not around.

13.  We close our eyes when you drive like Mario Andretti on the freeway. And we pray that you have the same skills as Mario. If you don’t, we pray that you have the same amount of money in your bank account as Mario. You’ll have to forgive us if we grab the door handle involuntarily after a near “airbag-deploying” stop.

14.  We go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, let our tushies splash into icy, cold, unsanitary toilet water from your failure to put down the seat yet again and quietly wipe off our cold, wet tushies, put down the seat, actually flush the toilet, wash our hands with LOTS of soap, and then go to the living room to watch TV for two hours. Why? Because ice-cold tushies tend to induce female insomnia and we don’t want to wake you. When you find us in the living room two hours later and ask if there is something wrong, we smile and say, “No. Just can’t sleep again.” And then we leave the knives and the ice pick in the kitchen.

15.  We pick up your Legos, various balls, and myriad of matchbox cars after stepping on them in our bare feet at night and then go bandage our feet. If your hair is a bit shorter in the morning, we have no idea how that happened.

16.  We make your favorite dishes as requested, even when we are bone-tired….and have to go to the store at midnight to get the ingredients. We even manage to squelch our overwhelming desire to become a Tourette’s Syndrome patient while at the store.

17. We remember your schedule better than you do. You show up on time, wearing something from this century and we tell you what a stud you are in said outfit, even though you complained loudly (The citizens of Bangladesh actually filed a noise complaint.) when we picked it out for you.

18. We remember what size you wear. Because you seldom visit a store unless forced. See # 17.

19.  We remember your kids’ names, kid’s birthdays, kids’ friends’ names, kids’ boyfriends’ and girlfriends’ names, kids’ boyfriends’ and girlfriends’ parents’ names, and a partridge in a pear tree. In fact we even have bird seed for the partridge.

20. We carry your stuff in our purses, even when you complain about how big our purses are. We add a mammoth, rarely fashionable diaper bag for the baby and toddler years and then you wonder why we ask you to rub our backs and necks periodically. And, we listen to you complain about having to carry our big purse and diaper bag because we are juggling YOUR child or children.

21. We stretch $ 2.50 so that it will cover the night’s dinner expense and the son’s new shoes (now needed because he jumped in every mud puddle between here and Bangladesh). Even when you give us grief for visiting every garage sale in the neighborhood on the way home from the store at midnight after buying ingredients for your favorite dish.

22. We balance one kid in our arms, balance another on a leg, and still manage to balance the checkbook.

23. We feed Fluffy and Fido, because we would like them to quit eating the brand new furniture.

24. We keep the family schedule in our heads. Why? Because if you were responsible for all of that, you’d have to actually put something on your calendar.

25. We admire your muscles, even if your tattoo is drooping. Because…even though the seat is still up, and you can’t remember your own birthday, we are crazy enough to think we can’t live without you.

Tomorrow’s Post: The Ration of Passion