Posts Tagged ‘heart catheterization’


This I Just Can’t Resist…


I know I said I wasn’t posting for a while, but this is just too wild for me not to discuss with my hallowed readers immediately. Yes, I do sometimes “play” with the truth about my life just a bit so we all get a good laugh, but this one is all too real.

Like most folks who have made several trips to the ER recently, I am now receiving the best Get Well cards in the business. My family and friends know me all too well–send MaryAnn something well-written that makes her giggle out loud. Trust me–my dear ones–you are making me guffaw!

But today a card came from some folks other than my readers and my family and friends–on the outside, it read: “The Cardiac Lab Staff wishes you a speedy recovery” with the logo of the hospital that “resurrected” me from my heart attacks. Now, that’s nice, right? I thought so, too, but wait–it gets better. On the inside it read: Hope your visit to Blank Hospital and the Cath Lab was a pleasant one.–Your Cath Lab Team.”

What?! For those who haven’t had their coffee yet this morning, a cath lab team surgically cuts a hole at the top of your leg and inserts a catheter up to your heart so they can figure out why your heart is malfunctioning and if a stent, balloon or other treatments can be administered to stop your heart attacks, they do so while “in there.” Sometimes they need you to take a deep breath while they’re looking at your heart, so you are basically only drowsy while this is going on. I have had this done to me 4 times now and trust me, while the team that greeted me this last time was, indeed, very respectful, polite and did their best to comfort me, I don’t think the adjective I would choose, for any of these procedures, would be “pleasant.”

For one thing my counselor brain reads nonverbal behavior like a book and I could tell from the faces of my team that I was in big trouble when they were looking at my heart on their screen the 3rd time (I was too out of it to remember much about the 4th time). Ummmm….the adjective that came to my mind describes, well, manure. (My ITS is going off again.)

Now, if that wasn’t enough, my “team” actually hand-signed their first names to the card. Wow. That takes guts. I noticed my cardiologist (who was also in the room at the time) did not sign the card. Glad he’s the smart one.

And to boot, the inside of the card contained pen-drawn heart-shaped balloons. Awww.

As a budding elderly writer, may I suggest a revision for the inside? How about “It was a privilege to be a part of your recovery. We are wishing you a peaceful transition to full health once again.” If one must go for the laugh, then how about, “Hope you recover fast enough to earn enough income to pay our enormous bill! The giant sucking sound you hear is the vacuum we’re using to empty your bank account.”

I might add that just yesterday I received a humongous survey from said hospital asking me about every aspect of my care there. I’m so glad I didn’t fill it out immediately–today’s answers might have a bit more sarcasm and I may not be able to resist that little golden opportunity no matter how much I try to muster the “sincere Christian” side of me. Hmmm….sounds like future fodder for a blog post somewhere…

Since I am blessed to be surrounded by other great writers, would you like to take a stab at the “re-write”? “Points” for satirical, humorous or even better suggestions than above, but please don’t use the word “pleasant.” It may make me visit the bathroom.

You might also like: Lessons Learned from Recuperating, Lessons Learned from Heart Attacks 3 & 4, Lessons Learned from a Routine Examination