As a stoic Scot, tears are not considered “kosher.” (How’s that for mixed cultural references?!) I tend to abide by that idea. In my defense I have several reasons to do so:

1. I get migraines from a stuffed-up head. Even though I now have much better meds to prevent and deal with these headaches-on-steroids, my 50+ history of dealing with them has created a habit of not giving into anything that produces a stuffy head.
2. When I do cry, I’m the ugliest of criers. Probably because I do wait eons to cry, the actual act is much worse–because tears for everything that has ever caused frustration and pain usually converge into 1 enormous crying session. The result? A stuffed-up head–see # 1.
3. I’m a pastor’s kid. As the daughter of a pastor, I learned to pretend that I had it together. I am now so good at it that I consider this an asset. And, like their pastor parents, we PKs learn to be strong for others and only break down when we have no resources left.
4. Because of the ugly crier issue, I prefer to cry alone. This means that I often have to wait until I get home to let the crying commence. For a couple of decades even getting home wasn’t a remedy because I had to be wife and mom when I arrived home. After arriving home, I would often forget that a crying session might be in order due to these responsibilities.
5. I’m an American. We Americans believe in pulling ourselves up “with our bootstraps.” We’re fiercely independent and believe that tears are a sign of weakness. As Tom Hanks said in A League of Their Own, “There’s no crying in baseball.” And apparently the only places were really allowed to cry are in hospitals, funeral homes and at weddings. Even at funerals and in hospitals we Yanks live with the possibility of being called a “sissy” for crying.
6. I grew up with two older brothers in the early 60s. Frequently, my teenage brothers wanted time to themselves, away from their demanding, whiny sister. I, on the other hand, just wanted to be a part of their “club.” If they denied me this privilege, I usually cried. They often responded with a denigrating tone, “Cry-baby!” This taught me that crying was not okay.

Thinking prayer is right up my alley. Ask the hubby and he will tell you that one of my worst faults is overanalysis! Hence (Does anyone even use the word hence anymore??? Point made about over-analysis!), when we were asking to pray using our “thinker,” my fear was that I would learn nothing new. HeartPaths has taught me so many new ways to pray that my faith is growing by leaps and bounds and thus, when I encounter a way of praying that is my “wheelhouse,” I can lapse into thinking it will be boring and I will not continue to learn.

What foolishness! Because if something is geared for how God designed you, then of course, God is going to use it for your growth. Duh.

For this prayer exercise we were asked to remind ourselves of Biblical virtues (like the fruit of the Spirit) and then pick one that “called” to us. We were asked to ponder these things in reference to it: Define it. What happens when it guides your life? What happens when it isn’t guiding your life? What changes might have to take place in your life to see it as a guiding force?

Here’s what happened in my journal when I decided to ponder self-control:

“Self-control is about trusting that God is in control. It’s very tied up with our ability to trust God’s timing, love and ability to provide for our needs…When self-control guides my life, I feel better physically; I am at peace; I am in awe of God;….I remember others’ needs better and am more loving; I am on time and I have space in my life for all that’s important….I pondered what my day would like if I gave 8 hours to rest; 8 hours to work; and 8 hours to nurturing my walk with God. I probably would be a model of efficiency and be amazed by what I could accomplish with such discipline. I would be happier and feel freer.

Tears came to my eyes while praying and I asked God what that was about: “Sadness” came back. Sadness about what, God? “Sadness at how a lack of self-control has wreaked havoc in your life and that you won’t fully yield and trust Me with your life. You won’t let go. It scares you. This bewilders you because of your health issues.”

I would love to say that that little revelation from God has transformed me into a woman of self-control, happiness and efficiency. The happiness is coming, but the self-control and efficiency are still “at-large”. But I am still glad that God can take that old “lens” of mine, aka thinking, and work “magic”. One day I will let go and let God and on that day I will be “fearfully and wonderfully” re-made. I’m looking forward to over-analyzing that, too.

How about you? What fruit or virtue is calling to you today? Over-analyze away!

Friday’s Post: Log Rhythms returns!

You Might Also Like: Coming to My Senses; Slow Reader Friday: Praying Our Experiences; and How’s Your Intuition?