Warning: Get your favorite beverage first. 

I am a relatively recent convert to the whole smart phone concept. I really liked my razor phone. It was pretty and I never once butt-dialed with it. It fit very discreetly in my jeans pocket, so that I could tell when it was ringing, even if I was in the world’s most boring meeting. I was a fairly proficient T9 texter, too, thanks to 3 teenagers who rarely talk on their phones–only text.

But, it finally became a huge inconvenience not to have the ability to access email and the internet on my razor, so I finally gave it up and got an Android smart phone. If the thing could talk (and no, I prefer only to hear the voices in my head and not Siri’s), it might tell you this:

1. MaryAnn likes color-coordinated cell phone cases. Mine is red because I once had a red Explorer. I wanted the phone to match the car. Which brings me to # 2…

2. There are too many blah-colored phones in the world. In a mass of phones I can always find my red one in about 2.2 seconds.

3. MaryAnn needs bigger pants pockets. If the phone sits in my purse and I have it on vibrate, good luck getting me to answer it. But today’s lower-slung jeans means that most front pockets (where I can easily grab it) are way too small to safely hold today’s big phones.

4. MaryAnn doesn’t pay attention to notifications on her phone well. I usually have about 4 indicators on my phone going off telling me that someone has emailed me, texted me, messaged me or otherwise had a major catastrophe in the last 5 hours.

5. MaryAnn doesn’t really care that much about the weather. There is always one feature on every type of phone that isn’t as intuitive as I would like it to be. The current version doesn’t update the weather as the day progresses–you have to tell it refresh. Since I live in a really boring weather area, I prefer just to stick my nose out the door first.

6. MaryAnn reads a lot. The Kindle app is the first app on the phone.

7. Facebook is MaryAnn’s life. Well, maybe not my life, but if you want me to respond sooner versus later, message me on FB.

8. MaryAnn seldom deletes/files emails. While I was pretty good about filing emails at work, I haven’t even created files on my personal email. Isn’t that what a search function is for?

9. MaryAnn rarely uses her calendar app. The only time this poor app is employed is when I think I will need an alarm to go off to make sure I don’t forget the next dentist’s appointment. Other than that, I have to remind myself I have a calendar on my phone.

10. MaryAnn has at least one missed call always. The truth is that I despise talking on the phone. I text (slowly) more often than I talk. I always feel that phone calls are invasive for some unknown reason. Remind me to go into psychoanalysis for that one.

11. MaryAnn has no idea what to do with half her phone apps. Guilty as charged. I either get irritated by an app’s lack of intuitiveness or by my ancient brain’s inability to understand the built-in intuitiveness of the app. If it doesn’t fall into 1 of those 2 categories, odds are that I won’t delete it because I’m seldom sure if it’s essential to the functioning of the phone.

12. MaryAnn’s cell phone cover should be replaced. Because I’m constantly yanking (literally) the stupid, oversized thing out of my back jeans pocket, the upper part of the case keeps falling off. I’ll probably replace it about the time the phone dies.

13. The sim card is on its last legs. Either that or the phone is on its last legs. The phone keeps telling me that it can’t recognize my sim card and I have to restart my phone. I’m too lazy to drive 5 minutes down the road to see why it’s doing this. I’m even lazier about googling such a topic.

14. MaryAnn spends a lot of time at Walmart. Two of the favorite apps are the calculator function and the Savings Catcher receipt app for Walmart. For the latter I have already managed to get more than $ 6.00 on a Walmart gift card. If I keep using this app, I might be able to get the sales tax back on one whole Walmart receipt.

15. MaryAnn needs a lot of reminders. I only have 4 different alarms set on my clock app. If you’re a night owl, you understand why. And even if you aren’t, if you saw how ancient my nightstand clock radio was, you would understand the need for 4 alarms.

16. MaryAnn prefers not to answer calls and text while driving. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I’m not a great driver–it’s just reality. So, I have a Drive Mode app on my phone that tells people who call and text that I will return their calls and texts once I’m stopped. I’m sure this drives my family crazy. That’s okay–they have driven me crazy for over 30 years.

17. MaryAnn is blind. I use the magnifying glass app and the flashlight app a lot. *sigh*

What would your cell phone say about you?

Monday’s Post: Are you fissiparous?

You Might Also Like: What My Purse Says About Me; The Odd Days of September; and Shopping List for Today’s College Student