1. Don’t start by counting how many questions you have to answer.
2. There were 86 questions.
3. Many of the questions were redundant, so we killed trees for nothing.
4. The paper was heavy weight…more trees gone.
5. Read all of the questions first before answering any of them.
6. The regular nursing staff got a better rating than they deserved because of # 5 and using an ink pen. You’re welcome.
7. If you can skip certain sections if they don’t apply to you, all of them will apply to me. See # 2.
8. They still think I only visited their hospital once. I guess the 2^nd time I was a mirage? I’ll remember that when it’s time to pay the 2^nd set of bills.
9. My doctor’s nurse thinks the same thing. See # 8.
   
10. The helicopter evacuation team thinks the same thing. See # 8.
11. They don’t make an answer choice for what I really think.
12. They’re too scared to make an answer choice for what I really think.
13. In reality, no one has ever thought up my particular answer choices. Or survey questions, for that matter.
14. # 13 makes me smile…rather sadistically. I feel a post coming on…
15. If they don’t want my actual opinion, they should not provide blank lines after the questions.
16. The first 25 questions are from the U.S. government. Based on watching my parents deal with retired military medical care from the U.S. government, I think I can state pretty definitively that the answers to those 25 questions will be ignored.
17. Based on # 16, I think I can safely say that hospital operations are probably going to get worse after answering their questions.
18. I can actually hear my taxes going up, because of # 16 and # 17.
19. The redundant questions? Yeah, those were from the U.S. government. See # 18.
20. I’m all out of opinions, except that I am still smiling sadistically. See # 14.

Tomorrow’s Post: MaryAnn’s Hospital Survey…..bwahahahhaha

You might also like: Lessons Learned from Recuperating, Lessons Learned from Heart Attacks 3 & 4, Lessons Learned from the “Woman’s” Exam Day

Warning: You may want to get 2 beverages first. (I promise I will go back to shorter posts soon!)

My cardiologist said, quite accurately, “A Prinzmetal Angina heart attack leaves the survivor shell-shocked.” And even though I survived 2 other Prinzmetal Angina heart attacks in 1999, I’m right back to shell-shocked. Thankfully, because of the 1999 episodes, I know that, with time, this feeling will dissipate. Still, I do find myself reminding myself to breathe!

Let me first briefly tell you what I learned about coping with this condition in 1999 (Go here for a more thorough discussion of what I learned then.).

1. God is in control of my life, death and Heavenly journey. Not me. Not medical science. Not anyone else. But, that is a good thing, because I could not be in better hands.
2. I was a youngish person who now was viewed, by most, as a person with a heart condition. (This was a tough thing to accept.)
3. The toughest part of surviving a heart attack is looking at the scared faces of all the people who I love and who love me.
4. Prior to 1999, I had a lot of low self-esteem issues and wondered why I was on the planet. Based on the love shown to me in 1999 in a multitude of ways and on having a lot of hospital bed time to think about why I was on the planet, I no longer have these issues!
5. The toughest part about knowing I could have another heart attack in 10 to 15 years was that my youngest might not be out of the “nest” yet and my husband must travel extensively for work. I hated the thought of a nanny having to take care of him. Therefore, I chose to take darn good care of myself “in between” so I could survive the next heart attacks. (Looks like that was a good decision, hunh? My docs would probably agree, too.)
6. There are worse places to die than in a hospital. I had pain meds, an attentive nursing staff, a loving family, generous friends, a comfortable bed, adequate nutrition, and awesome doctors all looking out for me. Shortly after coming home, we rented “Saving Private Ryan” to watch. After watching someone die on a battlefield, I was thankful my brush with death was not in that horrible manner.
7. If one survives a Prinzmetal attack, one should not waste any more time getting around to doing what God created him or her to do. I may not always perfectly understand His plan for me, but I’d better make a tremendous effort to do what I think He wants done.
8. I can either lie in my bed and wait for the next attack or I can live my life to the fullest and let whatever happens happen. I chose the latter, since it seemed that I had flashes of heart pain whether I rested or got up and moved around. You can’t live your life well if you live it with constant fear.
9. Whoever is in front of me right now is God’s agenda for MaryAnn today.
10. God gave me certain gifts to use for His will for this planet. I need to stop doing things that I’m lousy at doing and get busy doing the things He intended me to do and gifted me to do. That would be why I don’t stress too much over housework and cooking anymore. I don’t enjoy these activities and others are better at them than me. Why not let them do what God intended them to do??? In the beginning it was difficult to quit bringing home-cooked food to friends and to let the dust bunnies build up, but I learned that the friends still appreciated “take-out” and that the dust bunnies will still be there tomorrow waiting until I can get around to them. Besides, my children needed to learn how to cook and clean anyway.
11. Everyone has challenges in their lives somewhere. Mine just happen to be health problems, so I choose to view them as “lessons” for my life and call them “health adventures.” They certainly keep my life from being boring and I hate boring!

So, what did I learn this time around?

1. Unfortunately, each heart attack is going to scare the crud out of me, despite my history with them. And, it’s going to scare the crud out of my family and friends, too.
2. The most frustrating part of having a lot of life-threatening, painful conditions is that I live in a small town and have to be transported to a mega-hospital. Why? Because I then have to convince a whole pile of people, while in great pain, that I’m not an addict (despite being on heavy-duty migraine meds), that I’m telling them the truth, that I have a brain, that I do follow a healthy lifestyle, and I follow doctor instructions just as much as I humanly can. Thank God for my hubby, who is willing to tick off droves of people until they understand this and then change how I am treated.
3. Some of the most dedicated, kind, and smartest people work in emergency rooms, cardiac intensive care units, and on helicopters. I needed their mercy and hard work and I got it, even with #2 happening.
4. As you get well, the level of care goes down, at least in the hospital where I was admitted. Thus, family members advocating on your behalf is critical to long-term survival. It’s understandable, but frustrating. And family members are often forced to go through the “wringer” for you. Yes, there are “pain-in-the-neck” families who ignore doctor orders and conduct themselves in negative ways that add to the patient’s ill health. But, if you have a family that stands beside you during your hospitalization, thank the good Lord for such a family. They are saints.
5. Hospital staff have unseen hurts. This may influence how they care for you, despite their best attempts to do otherwise. If you get the privilege of helping them with those hurts, your hurts get better.
6. I’m glad I did that counseling degree.
7. I need to get over my unwillingness to cry in public. How did my new doctor finally begin to understand how MaryAnn typically operates? I blubbered like a baby in front of him, out of total frustration and exhaustion. Yes, I shouldn’t fall to pieces with every little bump in the road, but sometimes tears are the best way to get through to someone.
8. I now know why I pray every time I hear a siren, see a highway accident, or see a medical helicopter overhead. God reminded me of why when I was finally settled in my first Careflite. I still smile when I think about this. You never know when you’re going to need the prayers of total strangers.
9. I am thankful for the Internet and social media. In 1999 my family and I had to retell my story over and over again to those who were concerned. It was an exhausting process, although we appreciated the concern. Today, I can quickly update people on Facebook, Twitter, and through my blog. So. Much. Easier.
10. I am not alone. Usually, cardiologists only have a few patients, at most, with Prinzmetal Angina. Thanks to new research, we now know that there are at least 139,999 other Prinzmetal survivors besides me.
11. It’s so much easier to recuperate with adult children in the house! It’s quieter; they know what Mom needs, and they can run to the store when you need meds or run out of toothpaste. While we were blessed with friends who came to our rescue in 1999 for all of these things, it’s nice to just hand the teenager your credit card and say, “I need…”
12. I’m glad we updated our wills last fall. Thank you, Dave Ramsey.
13. Death is not something to be feared. Not preparing for your inevitable, eventual death is selfish, foolish and makes life more difficult for your family—the very people who need less stress when grieving.
14. I’d sacrifice my life here if that meant that all of my adopteds, family members, and friends all wound up in Heaven with me one day far into the future. Yes, it’s that important. (That is not something I was ready to say until this year.)
15. If you’ve been holding back telling a loved one something you are convinced they need to hear and that may alienate you from that person permanently, say it anyway. You may not get another chance to do so. True love is being willing to live without it being reciprocated. Quit being such a coward.
16. I used to think I had a relationship with Jesus. I was wrong. He has shown me a whole new level of “relationship” and it is mind-blowing.
17. Pay attention when “circumstances” all start “pointing” toward preparing you for a future “bad” event. That’s God’s doing.
18. Actually prepare for that bad event in advance the best way you can.
19. If you fail to do # 18, God is amazingly patient and still has you in the palm of His hand.
20. My back porch is the best place for MaryAnn to read, appreciate God’s magnificent creation and to unwind when stressed out.
21. The best medicine for getting over a heart attack is hearing the voices of your children, your siblings, your “adopteds,” your hubby, and your extended family.
22. My friends don’t listen to me when I say, “We’re fine.” But then, I usually don’t listen to them, when they say the same. It’s just their own personal brand of “revenge.”
23. Southern hospitality is served up best when there is a crisis.
24. They don’t call southern women “Steel Magnolias” for nothing.
25. God has answered the prayer I uttered in 1999 to let me live through my children’s “growing up” years and then some. I am so blessed He chose to honor that prayer.
26. Journaling can bring on a heart attack. Blogging about it can heal my heart.
27. Anything I get to experience from here on out is a “bonus.” I need to fully appreciate that bonus.
28. Whatever is evil on this planet sure doesn’t like me much.
29. I hate to lose.
30. Evil is in for a big fight. It just doesn’t know it yet. 

Note: I am going to take a “breather” from the blog for the next few days so I can do another kind of writing–thank you note writing! I promise to be back when I’m done with that. If you want to know if I’m still at home doing well, just pay attention to Facebook and Twitter–as long as I’m posting there, I’m good. 🙂

You might also like: The New Information on Prinzmetal Angina, Lessons Learned from Recuperating, Lessons Learned from Heart Attacks 3 & 4, and Thank You, SCC.

For the last 2 days I have sarcastically witted on about my last 2 heart attacks. But, it’s time to get serious. In 1999 I tried and could not find very much information about Prinzmetal Angina. I had to rely upon the information coming from my cardiologist and personal doctor. Here is what I was told:

1. Prinzmetal Angina occurs when coronary arteries spasm. If they spasm hard enough, they create a blood clot which then prevents blood flow to the heart. This creates a heart attack.
2. You can have Prinzmetal Angina without any of the “traditional” heart attack risk factors. This was, and is, oh, so true of me.
3. In 1999 1 out of every 2 Prinzmetal Angina heart attack victims died.
4. Negative stress is related to this condition.
5. Eating right and exercising regularly will not change my risk of having a heart attack.
6. An EKG and a stress test will often not show a Prinzmetal attack. This is also true of me.
7. A Prinzmetal patient can expect to have a heart attack every 10 to 15 years. My 3^rd and 4^th attacks (I actually suspect I may have had a 5^th attack that went undiagnosed, based on my symptoms.) came just a little over 14 years after the 1999 attacks.
8. Prinzmetal attacks often occur when a person is at rest. Three of mine occurred this way.
9. No one knows why Prinzmetal Angina occurs. You can’t even do an autopsy on a deceased Prinzmetal Angina patient to gain insights.

Here’s the good news: Largely thanks to the Internet, I can now find droves of information on this topic! So, here is the new information I am learning:

1. Cocaine use is a causal agent of this. (That should be easy to stop.) 🙂
2. They often occur like “clockwork” between the hours of midnight and 8 am. (The last 2 heart attacks occurred almost exactly a week apart right around midnight.)
3. Beta blockers, commonly used for treating heart patients, are often “bad news” for Prinzmetal Angina patients. I was on a beta blocker when # 3 and # 4 occurred. Because of this new finding, I am now off this med and have been switched to a newer med.
4. Exposure to the cold can bring on an attack. This is not good news for my migraines, where colder “climates” often help!
5. 50% of Prinzmetal Angina patients have no conventional risk factors. Thus, you can be a professional athlete in perfect shape and die from this.
6. Angiography can be used post mortem to examine the spasmed coronary arteries of Prinzmetal Angina victims. This means the medical community might be able to actually make some progress in figuring out what is causing this condition!
7. When this occurred in 1999, my mother told me that her grandmother (my great-grandmother) died very suddenly at a young age. She wondered if her grandmother could have had Prinzmetal’s and it just had not been a diagnosed condition in “her day.” Now, there seems to be evidence that there could be a genetic component to this condition. In other words, Mom may be right. In fact my mom was always right, so let’s just go with what she said to save time.
8. Conservative estimates suggest that 140,000 people have Prinzmetal Angina and most are younger heart attack patients than regular heart disease/heart attack patients.
9. My new cardiologist has another Prinzmetal Angina patient. She also suffers from migraines. Migraine is a known risk factor for stroke. Migraines are caused by constriction of the vascular system of the brain. Strokes, of course, are related to heart attacks. Thus, there may be some connection here that warrants further study.
10. The American Prinzmetal Angina Association has been formed in order to educate, support research grants and connect doctors who know things about Prinzmetal Angina!

Tomorrow’s Post: How MaryAnn Survived 4 Prinzmetal Angina Heart Attacks….

You might also like: Lessons Learned from Recuperating, Lessons Learned from Heart Attacks 3 & 4, Thank You, SCC, So, Where Are My Posts?, 2 Heart Attacks Too Soon, Part 1

Warning: You may need two beverages first.

You might reason, “If you had 2 heart attacks in 1999, surely there are no new lessons to be learned from recuperating from 2 more.” Well, that would be true if 14 years hadn’t transpired in between and I hadn’t been on morphine drips both then and now. It’s starting to come back to me now, but apparently, going through this in your 50s is not like going through it in your 30s. I wonder how bad it would have been if I hadn’t exercised my butt off and tried to eat reasonably for most of that 14 years??? Oh. The list would have been even longer? A reason to be thankful that I exercised, hunh?

1. It may not be such a hot idea to have a blood pressure cuff. Seeing my current blood pressure readings….well, raises my blood pressure readings. I sense a vicious circle here.
2. Even on Xanax I can hear the youngest’s alarm clock from across the house, through 2 closed doors. He, on the other hand, won’t hear it for another 15 minutes…after I go and throw a cup of ice water on his head.
3. Pouring a cup of ice water on the youngest’s head raises my blood pressure.
4. The hubby doesn’t understand portion control or the elements of a heart healthy diet. I’m not sure I care.
5. I can drop 6 lbs. in 4 days…while on a morphine drip. Remind me to attach a morphine drip next to my treadmill when I’m cleared to exercise.
6. I’m supposed to rest during the day. I don’t think the doc has ever been to my house in the daytime. A war zone is probably quieter.
7. Hockey games put me to sleep. See # 6.
8. Basketball games raise my blood pressure. Once a Hoosier, always a Hoosier.
9. I will do just about anything to avoid helping someone move.
10. I will do just about anything to avoid another Texas Tech orientation.
11. If you travel extensively for a living for 30 years, your wife will make you pay for this by taking the youngest to Texas Tech orientation…without a referee or a face mask or a baseball bat.
12. To prepare your hubby to take your youngest to orientation, he will need a folder full of documents, 16 Internet links in an email, and the rest of your prescription for Xanax.
13. I have good gift elves—they not only shop for me, but they get it on sale and wrap it. That gift elf needs a breakfast at IHOP on me. Now, if I could only get an IHOP in our town. For that, I think I’m going to need bigger elves.
14. I asked God to get my mind off the heart attack concerns so I could sleep one night and the next thought that popped into my head? Toilet plungers. God is efficient.
15. # 14 would be the epitome of “Be careful what you ask for…”?
16. People still doubt that God has a sense of humor. See # 14.
17. I no longer care about IRS scandals, surveillance of my cell phone, and Oklahoma tornados. But, I do care deeply about getting a Twinkie on 7/15 and seeing the minions again. I have a Master’s, right?
18. A good day prior to 6/6 was to spend 4 hours writing and maintaining my web site, spend 4 hours doing housework or running errands, mentoring the 18 year old, studying my Bible, sorting the mail, reading 1/7 of a book, watering the plants, and helping some charitable endeavor.
19. I now view having a good day as putting on mascara. Just so I don’t scare people in public.
20. We need a new thermostat at our house. One moment it’s too hot in the house and the next moment it’s too cold. Are heart attack survivors required to go through menopause again? Probably really interesting for the male heart attack survivors.
21. My blood pressure graph resembles the side view of the Titan roller-coaster at Six Flags. And I didn’t even get on the Titan to do that.
22. I have about as much luck avoiding heart attacks as Marco has at winning IRL races with an excellent car. Maybe he and I need to start a support group for people cursed by gypsies?
23. Eating dinner with your family, watching TV, and writing in your journal trying to de-stress…causes heart attacks. So, if I breathe deeply, I’m back in the hospital, hunh? Where is that oxygen tank?
24. My arms and hands now make me look Iike I’m a heroin addict. I don’t remember getting the high from that addiction. Of course, that may be due to the morphine.
25. I did have plans for the youngest’s last birthday at home before college. Think we can make it up to him by giving him a new car? Oh. Wait. Hospital bills. Never mind. Maybe he wants a Twinkie for his birthday?
26. My brother informed me they don’t give frequent flyer mileage for Careflites. Dang. I wanted to go to Tahiti this year. Oh. Wait. Hospital bills. Never mind. Texas looks like Tahiti, right?? Maybe I can wire some coconuts to the cacti??? Mai-tai’s look like margaritas if you stick an umbrella in them?
27. Readership of my blog goes up when I tweet from a hospital bed. I’ve ordered a hospital bed for my office.
28. When I have heart pain, I develop Internal Tourette’s Syndrome (ITS?). The risk of “oral leakage” at these moments increases my blood pressure.
29. The hospital chaplain assures me that Jesus has heard cuss words before. Probably because people generally use His name as a cuss word. And that was your sermon for today.
30. If you go to RealAge.com and tell their calculator that you’ve had 4 heart attacks in 14 years, it computes your “real age” as “corpse.” It computes your life expectancy as -2. This explains the pale face and dark eye circles that now greet me in the mirror on a regular basis.
31. Based on # 30, I now qualify to be in the next zombie movie. No makeup required. Apocalypse optional.
32. When you start posting about heart attacks on Facebook, your banner ads are for comfortable walking shoes, selling your home, eye glasses, and auction houses. Refer to # 30.
33. My “co-mom”, who helps me parent the “adopteds” said she can’t parent all these kids on her own. Note to self: Need to designate a successor “adopted mom” for her. Perhaps the successor will be more successful at getting IHOP to my little town. And can we get my “co-mom” a prescription for Xanax and energy formula multi-vitamins for women 50+?
34. I think I have Recuperative Stress Syndrome, or RSS. I knew they weren’t giving me the straight scoop about what that RSS thing meant.
35. Never watch “Puss in Boots” while on Xanax. ‘Nuf said.
36. I no longer care about ironing. (My children are doing cartwheels in celebration.) Unless I can figure out a way to iron out the flabby skin I have from 6 lbs. of weight loss in less than a week.
37. I am constantly hungry. And yet I weigh less than I have since the first child was born. Does this mean I’m pregnant? If so…need…more…Xanax. Oh. Wait. You can’t take Xanax while pregnant. Where is my box of chocolates??? Oh. I ate them already.
38. To get a follow-up appointment with my cardiologist 6 weeks from now, I guess I have to practically die. Oh. Guess that won’t work, either. Not even if you do it twice in 1 week.
39. While trying to get the follow-up appointment, I was admonished to not leave multiple messages. Kinda hard to do, since they keep leaving me multiple messages about how the dates I’m available are all booked and they never actually answer their extension when I call back. My solution? Leave one long “filibustery” message giving them my attorney’s contact information.
40. For the record, my attorney’s name is Mr. Pitbull. He probably won’t answer his phone, either, because he likes to go “hunting” pretty often. He also seems to have an anger management issue, too. Sooo thankful he chose to go to a different counselor for that.
41. I opened my underwear drawer and the Spanx apparently have amnesia—they don’t recognize me now that I’m a skeleton. Maybe they’re on Xanax, too?
42. I am now required to find an allergist. Since we don’t have those in our little town, this IS an excuse to go shopping for skeleton-sized clothes, right? (I plan to shop in the “Pre-Anorexic” department of Macy’s.)
43. My new allergist is conveniently located next to my favorite heart-healthy restaurant: The Cheesecake Factory.
44. Wheelchairs sound so much more appealing now. My mom-in-law named hers, “Sally.” I think I will call mine, “Roy.” I always wanted a family member named after Bruce Willis.
45. Twisted humor lowers my blood pressure. Not sure what it does to yours. But, I have a blood pressure cuff you can borrow.  I’ve quit using it. See # 1.

Tomorrow’s Post: Some actual useful information…

You might also like: Lessons Learned from Heart Attacks 3 & 4, Lessons Learned from a Routine Examination, and Lessons Learned from My Dentist.

Warning: You may want to get 2 beverages first. 

For a little background on why someone like me would wind up in the hospital with heart attacks last Monday, please go here.

The very last thing a cardiologist should do to a writer is strap her down to a hospital bed for 8 days with medical “leashes”, put her on morphine and Xanax, and then think that she won’t use this “quality creative time” to her full advantage. I hope you’re up for a little gallows humor, because I’m about to explode with what I learned.

1. Two sips of Merlot and I’m in the ER. I always knew I hated red wine.
2. I think I now have a phobia about Merlot/red wine.
3. Nurses have amnesia, particularly when it comes to remembering my birthdate. Thanks to them, I can’t seem to forget it. As a token of my gratitude for helping my memory, I’m sending them Merlot wine.
4. My scooter still works. I didn’t even know I had one.
5. Don’t hug and kiss the Careflite nurse.
6. I got to cross off “Ride in a helicopter” from my Bucket List, but I don’t remember putting it on my List twice. Maybe it’s the morphine.
7. I also got to cross off “Travel down the main thoroughfare of our fair town with police permission while wearing nothing but a hospital gown on a gurney accompanied by 2 guys who aren’t my husband at 1 am in the morning.” Yeah, I was surprised that was on my Bucket List, too. The hubby was even more surprised.
8. We need to repave the main thoroughfare of our fair town. Remind me to vote for local road improvement at the next election.
9. If you’re claustrophobic, don’t ride in a Careflite helicopter. If you’re bigger than me, you may need to become a Cirque du Soleil contortionist to fit.
10. I have an alter ego. Her name is Mrs. Hook.  And apparently, my alter ego has a different address. She’s smarter—she decided to live closer to our local schools and my church. I wonder what illnesses she has. I hope she is okay.
11. While attaining my counseling degree, I studied nonverbal client behavior. That is not a good skill to have when watching your catheterization team look at your coronary arteries.
12. My nurses loved my mani/pedi. Note to self: Always schedule a mani/pedi 3 days prior to your next heart attack.
13. I have “young skin.” This gives me a new reason to stock up on my favorite Bath & Body Works products, right? Think I could be their “Jared”?
14. I baffle doctors and nurses because I don’t smoke, drink, eat too much, and exercise too little. They aren’t used to patients who follow their instructions?
15. I now know why I’ve been reading all these books on Heaven and death. God’s sick sense of humor just moved to a whole new level of twisted. Where were the books on resurrection????
16. Since I had symptoms prior to the gurney ride, my doctor ordered a nuclear stress test, in which they shoot dye into your coronary arteries prior to making you run on a hamster wheel until you fall off. Thanks to the Merlot, that was cancelled. I consider this a good thing since I only want dye applied to one part of my body—the part with the gray hair.
17. While scheduling the stress test, the receptionist gave me the following instruction: “No funny stuff between now and then!” I guess heart attacks are serious???
18. Always chew the chicken in your mouth prior to the next morphine drip.
19. I neglected my children’s musical education—they didn’t understand my Carly Simon reference when I uttered: “I haven’t got time for the pain.” Of course, it could be that I was morphine mumbling it and trying to chew my chicken at the same time.
20. I can recite the Lord’s Prayer in my sleep, unless the sleep is induced by morphine. Did you know Carly Simon lyrics are part of the Lord’s Prayer? Me neither.
21. I know night nurses can get bored so I like to keep them entertained with projectile vomiting every so often just to break up the monotony. Let’s just say my capacity to do this means I coat walls better than industrial spray paint equipment. Guess that will teach them to put that little plastic tub too far from my hospital bed, hunh?
22. My aforementioned little skill requires the contractor size of a Hefty bag to contain the clean-up materials. Maybe I can be Jared for Hefty??? Okay, so that would be awkward, too.
23. The hubby can conduct business from anywhere. For his next magic trick, he plans to take conference calls on Mars.
24. The hubby has an interesting career. You have no idea what Morphine MaryAnn does with the conference call term, “cows in heat.”
25. Morphine confuses my sense of direction. I thought my room was in the corner. That may be because I spent a good portion of my childhood there.
26. Doctors and nurses don’t believe me when I tell them the truth about my medical history. Of course, I’ve always thought my life story would make a good musical comedy. At least it would be more believable than “Cats.” My theory? “Cats” was dreamed up during “quality creative time” while on morphine.
27. Doctors are finding more Prinzmetal patients these days. Dang. I liked being unique.
28. However, few Prinzmetal patients actually produce heart attacks from their vasospasms without other heart disease risks. Guess my over-achiever/perfectionistic tendencies apply to my insides, too. Probably need to work on that sometime, hunh?
29. If you’re “tied to your hospital bed,” you go to bathroom by “committee.”
30. I never liked committee meetings.
31. I missed my treadmill. Yes, I missed my treadmill. Maybe I need to check into Bellevue next.
32. Last time they put me on Demerol. This time they said I would become too addicted to Demerol. (So, you can get addicted with a 14 year absence of Demerol in your system???? That’s impressive. Must add this to my things to do as an over-achiever.)
33. They injected morphine ad nauseam (literally) and then told me to get off the morphine because I might get addicted. This little “lecture” came 24 hours after the first injection. You can get addicted to morphine within 24 hours of the first injection? Yay—another way to be unique! And I have so much access to morphine living in small town suburbia. And my favorite way to entertain myself on the weekends is to stick needles into my veins.
34. Does morphine come in Merlot flavor? If so, I’m sending a case to my new favorite doctor, along with a 6 month supply of needles I found at Wally World on sale. I think they were on sale because they were “reconditioned.”
35. While attaining the master’s in counseling, we talked a lot about projection. See # 33. Dr. Freud would be so proud.
36. I’m supposed to endure torturous pain without morphine or Demerol. But, Xanax is fine? They didn’t study the same textbooks I studied. Uh, Doc? Xanax comes in pill form, thus eliminating the inconvenient need for needles from Wally World. (It’s so inconvenient to run there when you’re in withdrawal.) I guess morphine/Demerol addicts never take pills too often.
37. I think I’m beginning to understand why addiction is such a problem in the U.S.  And why counselors (who generally try to help addicts) so commonly abuse drugs.
38. A heart attack will bring a couple together more than a marriage retreat. Unfortunately, they’re usually more expensive than a marriage retreat. I personally think the reason why heart attacks bring couples closer together is because heart monitoring electrodes look so alluring by candlelight. They complement the IVs  quite nicely.
39. A heart attack is not enough for me. I like to throw in migraines, anaphylaxis, non-stop nausea and pericarditis just for grins. You know how I hate boring. My doctors and nurses were not amused.
40. Want to clear your busy schedule for a while? Have a heart attack. BOOM! Schedule cleared. Even your demanding writing schedule lightens up.
41. In a unit where you’re encouraged to rest, the nurses and patients are pretty deaf. At least that’s my conclusion after hearing them yell at each other. Either that or morphine and Xanax improve my hearing.
42. To deal with # 41, ask the youngest to fill up your iPod with inspiring songs.
43. The same child informed me, after heart attack # 3, that I have now had as many heart attacks as children. He said, “No more children, Mom.”
44. After heart attack # 4, I started looking around for my 4^th child. The daughter always wanted a little sister. #4 is my “favorite” since she never required diaper changes, potty training, “the talk”, adolescent tantrums or enormous college tuition bills. She has good skin like her mother.
45. It really hurts when you fall out of your hospital bed after hearing the Newsboys lyric: “They Don’t Serve Breakfast in Hell.” What?! No IHOP in Hell???? Geez. I guess I really will have to believe in the Big Guy now. I don’t want to miss breakfast.
46. The youngest apparently has the same twisted sense of humor as God.
47. I am blessed to have the best prayer warriors on the planet in “my corner” to make sure I don’t miss breakfast—ever. No Merlot necessary.

Next Post: Lessons Learned from Recuperation…

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Eight years ago my walk with the Lord was anything to write about…anywhere…let alone home. I was worshiping regularly at the Church of Starbucks each Sunday morning because I was frustrated that I couldn’t find a local church where I could contribute my measly talents and also feel the presence of God in my life. Then, God intervened and sent our family to the tiniest church in our community. In fact it can be effectively argued that this church was dying. But God would have argued otherwise and He sent a certain pastor and his family to that dying church to give it exactly what it needed–a compassionate, honest, non-judgmental man and his talented family. What God and this family has wrought is nothing short of a miracle in the interim. A church that needed intervention now intervenes in the lives of many in our community.

Unfortunately, powers beyond our control are now intervening in a not-so-nice way. This wonderful family is not being asked to minister in Ennis, Texas very soon. And while we are certain, as a congregation, that we will also enjoy and grow from the talents of our next minister and his family, it is difficult to watch them pack up and leave our little town. This family has intricately woven itself into our hearts and minds and souls. So, here’s what they have taught me along the way:

1. Little Johnny is one twisted kid.
2. Growing up in Mississippi could mean that you actually grow up in Alabama some nights.
3. God is a big, African-American woman.
4. Sarayu means wind.
5. There’s a lot of wind in Paul Young and that’s actually a good thing.
6. Jeanie should be loved for all the things she is.
7. There’s a hole in our gospel.
8. There are no excuses on Sunday mornings.
9. Church bureaucracy shouldn’t get in the way of a good idea.
10. Ministers can be successful without knowing who tithes the most.
11. Jeanie never met a child she didn’t like.
12. The best donuts are the ones inside a sanctuary.
13. The best coffee is the one drunk beside a fellow worshipper.
14. Ministers can play bass.
15. Their wives and daughters sing back-up.
16. Their sons play every instrument in the band and sing lead.
17. Ministers can wear jeans to one service and a coat and tie to the next.
18. The best sermons are outlined on a PowerPoint.
19. Dallas isn’t just a city.
20. Dallas isn’t just an old TV series.
21. Ministers can admit that their very own children are the real prodigals and welcome them back onto the family farm without upsetting their firstborn.
22. Churches do exists where both ex-spouses still fervently attend church.
23. Real ministers cry through their sermons.
24. Some ministers are great actors; other ministers act real; ours does both simultaneously.
25. Bible studies are really therapy without judgment.
26. A t-shirt and flip-flops are all the formal attire needed to worship God.
27. The funniest guy at the church may be the one teaching you how to manage your finances so you can give more of them away.
28. On a bad day the person reminding you why you’re on the planet may be the one who talks the most about Heaven.
29. More ministers’ wives should be Marys.
30. I may go to a Methodist church, but I will never understand why good ministers are taken from the congregations who most need them.
31. Eight years goes by in about eight seconds.
32. I cry when I read my pastor’s last newsletter article.

Ennis, Texas doesn’t know how fortunate it is. Thanks for how you resurrected a rusty old Christian like me.

Tomorrow’s Post: Ladies and Gentlemen: Start your engines…

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Today we tackle general questions and tips I have encountered on my journey to a healthier me. And yes, this will be my last “dissertation” on fitness for a while. You can all breathe a sigh of relief now.

1. What if I keep getting arthritis or I have a huge blister on my foot? Won’t that keep me from losing weight by not being able to exercise? Take 2 Aleve or some other pain reliever about 30 minutes before your workout and I bet the arthritis goes away. If you have a headache, chances are that your body is telling you that you need some hydration (aka water) or a sports drink (G2 to the rescue!), so try that first. They make moleskin for blisters plus hydrocolloid bandages. You can even cut the moleskin to precisely fit the blistered area. This stuff works great and is what got me through 3 days of walking 60 miles for the Susan G. Komen organization. Don’t let this stuff deter you from exercising. Let’s be honest–all these little excuses are just your way of whining your way out of a workout. How did I know this? Cuz I’ve used them, too. 🙂
2. If the problem is more severe than some minor aches and pains, that is your body’s way of saying you need to alternate or slow down your workouts. On days where the feet can’t take the pounding anymore, I do yoga. Yoga helps my arthritis go away and helps me sleep! A lot of yoga poses can be done in a sitting position, as well. Don’t like yoga? Do sit-ups while you’re watching your favorite program or while listening to calming music. Other low-impact exercises also work. They may actually improve your weight loss ratio because you’re really varying your workouts!
3. If you are having SEVERE pain or have a bad cold, STOP exercising altogether until you have this investigated by a professional and are cleared by them. This is a WARNING that you are either overdoing it or your body needs to rest! Take some vitamins to help your body recover from your illness or condition, but only take those that your health professional recommends. Drink lots of water. Wash your hands thoroughly with soap. Clean that treadmill (particularly if it’s used by multiple people!). In other words take care of you!
4. What if I don’t like walking? Then, pick some form of exercise that works for you: yoga, using your game system exercise equipment and games, bicycling, dancing, etc. This is YOUR exercise routine–make it work for YOU! Just keep trying things until you find what works for you. If you need to, get a buddy to work out with you, so you’re accountable to someone. (I would pick someone who is roughly at the same fitness level as you or someone who is not too competitive or judgmental.) If necessary, hire a personal trainer for a month or two…to learn how to work out more effectively and to motivate yourself. Find what works and stick with it and change it up when it’s no longer working! You might enjoy walking or running outdoors more than that treadmill, so maybe just a change of environment will do the trick!
5. Reward yourself when you meet a goal. Goals keep me motivated, so do make small goals for yourself. The first one may be to just work out one day this week for 30 minutes and that’s okay! Reward yourself with things you like, but NON-FOOD ones. My favorites? New, cute, expensive (well, at least on sale!) workout clothes! Why? Because I actually want to wear them and I look stupid wearing them elsewhere. Maybe it’s getting a new haircut. Maybe, for you, it’s a piece of exercise equipment or subscribing to some service that helps you track your fitness journey. Even though I just hit my ultimate goal weight, I still have new goals for myself! And thus…new rewards!
6. Invest in good sox and shoes. It’s pretty hard to do this fitness thing for very long if you’re using inferior equipment and gear. You’ll minimize blisters if you wear really cushiony (Sure that’s a word!) sox. You’ll have fewer injuries or arthritis if you wear really good shoes (Go to a sports gear store and have them advise you on this!). You may pay out the wazoo (whatever a wazoo is) for this stuff initially, but it will probably last longer and prevent doctor bills. That’s just good common sense!
7. Don’t compare your journey with others’ journeys. This is really, really hard for me to do, mainly because I sometimes want to have the same achievements and goals as others. There is nothing wrong with getting new goal ideas and tips from others, but don’t let that creep into making you feel bad about your own journey! Pat yourself on the back when you reach your own goals and enjoy those moments big-time!
8. Change one thing each week. Research shows that it’s really, really hard to change bad habits. So, don’t try all of this at once. Make a list of everything you feel you need to change on the fitness front and pick out the smallest, easiest change on that list. Make that your first change. Small successes make you more motivated to change more things! When you’ve got that first one “under control,” look at the next easiest change and work on that one next. I bet, in a year, you will be amazed at how different your lifestyle is!
9. My scale is my friend. No, really. My scale merely gives me feedback about where I am on my fitness journey. Nothing else! It does not define me! It’s a number ONLY. You will still be wonderful you tomorrow whether you gained weight today or lost it or stayed exactly the same. So, use that number on the scale to help you adjust your workouts and eating plan accordingly. Do NOT become punitive about this–just adjust stuff and see if it helps or not.

Tomorrow’s Post: Pomp Romp…

You might also like: You 3.0: Questions & Tips, Part II, You 3.0: Questions & Tips, Part I, You 3.0: MIP Exercise Plan, You 3.0: MIP Eating Plan, You 3.0: Mindset, Part III

Last Friday I discussed how to keep your exercise routine going even if you couldn’t do what I do. Today I tackle some diet-related questions I often get:

1. Lean Cuisine-eating taught me something vitally important: portion control. The portion sizes in our country are ridiculous! Some of them could feed an entire 3rd world country. Basically, Lean Cuisine taught me that portion sizes above the size of my fist are too, too big for one meal. So, I stopped eating for two (particularly since I haven’t been pregnant for 19 years).  I suggest doing the Lean Cuisine end of the MIP eating plan for at least a month so you can stop eating for two, also. Then, if that’s driving you crazy, you can branch out to other ways of eating, knowing how small the portion sizes really should be.

2. What if I have more to lose than 34 lbs? What if one Lean Cuisine doesn’t fill me up? Believe it or not, this is really the same question. People who have more than 20% of their current body weight to lose probably have bigger appetites and actually need more calories initially. So, be nice to yourself and eat 2 Lean Cuisines! I’m not coming over to your house to scold you if you deviate from my little eating plan…trust me. Make this work for you. However, before you consume the 2nd one, let me ask you to try these little tricks first:

• Wait 20 minutes. Often, I get my “full” feeling around this time. So, try to be patient and keep your hands busy during this time by playing music, playing a game, or doing a craft.
• Drink a 12 oz. glass of water. Often, I mistake a hungry stomach for a thirsty stomach!
• Eat an Atkins bar for “dessert.” The Atkins bars are probably fewer calories than the 2nd Lean Cuisine and thus, the weight comes off faster. Do not get the Advantage bars–get the Endulge bars, which really taste yummy.

3. What if I can’t handle Lean Cuisines anymore? Remember–this is your eating plan, not mine. And yes, from time to time, I get tired of Lean Cuisines. (However, there are even Lean Cuisines sandwiches, pizzas, and salads now, so you probably won’t get tired of them easily. Plus, they taste pretty darn good for “diet food.”) Here’s how I survive when tired of them:

• Eat a can of soup. I prefer an entire can of Campbell’s Chunky soup. Even some of their really high calorie versions are still under 400 calories per can! I like this option in the wintertime, when I really need something to warm my stomach or when I feel a cold coming on. New research shows that people who eat soup lose more weight than those who don’t.
• Choose pre-sized menu plans. This will most likely require some cooking, but if you don’t mind the cooking, you’ll probably love the cheap nature of these plans (plus some even have shopping lists to make it easier for you at the store!). My DMIL (Darling Mother-in-Law) sent me a link to one and I have personally explored the other one, which is recommended by Dave Ramsey of Financial Peace University:
  • Emeals.com
  • Eatingwell.com
• Use smaller plates in your china cabinet. The problem with our current dinner plates is that, again, they are way too big for what we should be eating. So get out saucers (yes, saucers–you probably aren’t using them anyway) or very small salad plates. If you have small bowls, that will work, too.
• Use your fists! Judge portion sizes when you’re at a restaurant by how big your fist is. If it’s bigger than your fist, ask the server for a “to-go” box and remove the amount that is larger than your fist immediately. Guess what? You now have lunch (and maybe dinner!) for tomorrow. You can go to two fist sizes for veggies. This same formula works for when you are cooking for yourself and have more than just one portion available.

4. Are there certain foods I should avoid? Yes. The ones you can’t “downsize” on your own to make them the right-sized portion. Other than that, anything goes. Even junk food can be “down-sized.” I only get out one handful of chips at a time and put them in a small bowl. I put away the chip bag and take the bowl away from the kitchen. I eat my bowl-ful and wait for 20 minutes. If I’m still craving chips, I get myself another bowl-ful. I’m usually too lazy and too guilty to go back for a 3rd bowl! The same can go for chocolate or anything else you crave. I like things that are individually wrapped or are “wrapped” by Mother Nature. (Bananas come with their own banana peel!) That’s natural portion control without you even having to think about it! One note: A huge bag of chips labeled “Family Size” is not individually-wrapped. It says Family Size for a reason–it’s meant for your entire family. I don’t care if you’re pregnant with 6 bambinos, step away from the bag. The same goes for a box of low-cal cookies. They’re only low-cal if you stop eating the entire box in one “binge session.” The bottom-line for me was that if I told myself I couldn’t have it, I instantly craved it even more! So, I allowed myself a little to get rid of that craving and just tried to think strategically about how I could fool myself into thinking I had had a treat!

5. What if I blow it one day? There is no such thing. That’s all in your head. Why? Because you’re going to eat right for the rest of your life. If you eat right for the rest of your life, then one day is a teeny, teeny fraction of all the days in your life. So, it’s probably not going to keep you from reaching your goal weight.  Just do something now to correct for it and that now does not include starving yourself for the next 3 days. That will actually slow down your weight loss process! When I blow it, I crank up my workout a little higher that day or the next day and try to eat better from that point onward. But I don’t stress about blowing it. Why? Because stress is also counterproductive to my ability to lose weight (plus, it can bring on a heart attack for me!). So, forgive yourself and move on.

Don’t miss on Friday: You 3.0, Questions & Tips, Part III…

Tomorrow’s Post: I feel a trend coming on…

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Hopefully, by now, you have started your journey to better health.  If so, congratulations to you! Even if you’re not seeing results yet, you deserve congratulations for not being complacent and actually changing your habits. The hardest part is getting started, so kudos to you!

But, how does one sustain such a start, over time? That’s the biggest part of my journey–learning how to do this practically for the rest of your life without feeling deprived. And yes, I think I finally get how to do this now…I still have lots to learn, I’m sure, but I’ve been doing this for about 3 years now and I don’t plan on going back. So, here are the lessons I’ve picked up along the way, plus questions people ask me frequently:

So what do you do if you can’t exercise 99 minutes a day for whatever reason? Do at least 15 minutes of walking at one time. Park at the edge of every parking lot you encounter. Walk during your lunch hour (You can probably do 45 minutes right there!). Make yourself do household chores for 99 minutes each day. Mow the lawn with a walking mower. Play something other than video games with children or grandchildren (preferably your own, but you could babysit someone else’s, if need be!). Walk up and down the stairs when going to upper floors in office buildings, etc.

What do you do if walking isn’t your thing? I recommend yoga. In fact I recommend yoga even if you ARE walking. It will keep the arthritis and other aches and pains down to a dull roar and actually help your walking routine. And yoga can be done anywhere, anytime for just a few minutes a day. It’s amazing how quickly you start to sweat while doing yoga, too! And that meditation part is optional as far as I’m concerned! And you don’t have to look beautiful doing these poses. Do them in a closet, if need be.

Other tips for getting yourself in the groove:

• Plug in that iPod and listen to your favorite music! My daughter listens to Pandora’s comedy channel while running and at least she’s laughing periodically while she’s panting away around a track!
• Give yourself a goal. The DSL‘s parents just recently set the goal to run their very first 5K in honor of their 25th anniversary and actually beat that goal by several months doing a “Couch to 5K” running program via a free phone app. “Mom” even had to figure out how to do that while dealing with asthma. If she can do it, so can you!
• Do something helpful for someone else. Sometimes the motivation we need is to help out those who cannot help themselves. I got started with the walking thing when my dearest friend came down with Stage IV breast cancer. I decided to do the Komen for the Cure 3 Day Walk, which consists of walking 60 miles in 3 days. The 3 day site has a training plan for couch potatoes like me and I used it! Because of my friend, I kept huffing and puffing my way through the training program until I could do the walk.
• Put yourself first in this one area of your life. If you are unhealthy, chances are you’re not going to be able to adequately care for those you love when they have a crisis in their own lives. So, working on your own health is actually the most selfless thing you can do for them.
• Learn a new skill. Some folks take dance lessons to get fit and have a blast while doing it. Some learn to cycle or do kickboxing. Whatever floats your boat!
• Make it a priority! Other things come after your workout. My workaholic hubby manages to get up before dawn each day and finishes his workout about the time I get up. But, at least he doesn’t have to worry about making time for it that way. I prefer to do mine last thing at night for the same reason.
• Break it up! Do 15 minutes before you get ready for work. Go to work. Do 45 minutes during the lunch hour. Work some more. Walk 15 more minutes after work. Go home. Get some household work done and help the family. Do 15 minutes after everyone else is in bed. Guess what? You just did a 90 minute workout without it disturbing your life that much! And research says that it makes no difference if you do it all at once or broken up like this!
• Tell yourself it’s your patriotic duty. The reality is that if we don’t get healthy as a nation, this will actually affect our ability to compete among the other countries of the world one day because of the amount of money that will have to be spent on health care, etc. Don’t believe me? Watch “The Weight of the Nation” series by HBO.

Don’t miss next Wednesday: You 3.0: Questions & Tips, Part II…

Tomorrow’s Post: Back-a-whaty-it?

You might also like: You 3.0: Mindset, Part I, You 3.0: Mindset, Part II, You 3.0: Mindset, Part III, You 3.0: MIP Eating Plan, You 3.0: MIP Exercise Plan…

The other harsh reality about being healthy and fit is that you most likely will not keep off the weight you’ve lost unless you exercise regularly. Regularly does not mean every 6 months, whether you need to or not. Sorry to burst your bubble on that one.

So, what is the story on exercise accoring to research findings and the experts? Regularly means you have to exercise most days of the week. That’s a bare minimum of 4 days a week for at least 30 minutes a day. However, that’s the MINIMUM for MAINTAINING your current weight. If you want to actually lose weight, you have to eat fewer calories than you currently are eating and you exercise a MINIMUM of 45 minutes per day at least FIVE days a week. If you are middle-aged or even age-proficient (my personally favorite way of saying that someone is no longer a spring chicken), guess what? It gets worse (just like everything about aging). Because our metabolisms tend to slow down with the aging process, we actually have to exercise a MINIMUM of 60 to 75 minutes per day at least FIVE days a week  to see some actual weight loss. Yes, this just stinks…big time. But, we really don’t get a choice on this one, so we just have to put on our big guy or girl panties and deal with it!

So, here’s how I do it with a really busy schedule:

1. Buy a good treadmill. Did you know that, if you get a doctor’s note stating that you need to exercise for your health, you can write off the treadmill sales tax on your income tax? Yep, it’s true.

2. Resist the urge to use your treadmill as an extra place to hang your laundry.

3. Put treadmill where you will have to trip over it….regularly. That doesn’t mean your junk room, your closet, your basement or your garage. I think the most effective place for it is right in front of your refrigerator door.

4. Get addicted to some series on TV or to a really good book.

5. Mount a cool TV near that really irritating treadmill.

6. Put on some really cool (You interpret cool the way you want to–I prefer both meanings.), really comfy exercise clothing.

7. Get a G2 (That’s gatorade for Hefty bag-sized people like me).

8. Get an old towel.

9. Take the G2, the old towel and possibly that great book to the treadmill.

10. Get on the treadmill. Yes, you actually have to get on it to begin losing weight. (Yes, I think it’s unfair, too.) Stop whining.

11. Start the treadmill. If it’s been a while since your last workout, you may need to actually read the instructions for this part. (I personally believe this is why many men still have their beer bellies.)

12. Increase the speed of the treadmill one “notch” at each commercial break or scene change. If reading, increase it at the end of each page, section or chapter. Try not to fall off the treadmill each time you do this.

13. Stay on that treadmill until you’re reaching for that towel or G2 like your life depended on it. For me this happens at the 50 minute mark. Why? Because I exercise for 99 minutes per day 5 to 7 days per week. Yes, you read that right. And yes, I worked up to this, starting with 30 minutes in the beginning. And I’m in my mid-fifties. Stop whining.

14. Slow that treadmill down about 90% of the way through your workout, gradually.

15. Get off the treadmill when snails can crawl faster than your walking speed.

16. Collapse on the floor and let the dog or cat lick the sweat off of you. Easier than getting in the shower–trust me. But, when you recover next week, you might want to wash off the dog slime in the shower. Then, clean the dog slime off the shower walls. That’s part of the workout.

17.  Repeat each day and vary the walking routine. (Most treadmills come with a variety of walking workouts.)

You better be reading this while on your treadmill. 😉 Yes, the treadmill has to be moving…and so do you. Stop whining.

Don’t miss on Friday: You 3.0: Tips and Tricks

Tomorrow’s Post: The last person to ever encounter Morrie…

You might also like: You 3.0: Mindset, Part I; You 3.0: Mindset, Part II; You 3.0: Mindset, Part III; You 3.0: MIP Eating Plan