Love Bunny

I wouldn’t exactly say that the hubby and I are poster children for a great marriage. We, like most married for 35+ years, have had our share of arguments and moments where we wondered if calling the divorce attorney was the next best move for us.

But, as the hubby says, “No one else would put up with me and I don’t want HIV/AIDS.” The same could be said of me.

So, what do you do when your marriage has its ups and downs?

My answer is silliness. Yes, silliness.

If a couple can maintain a sense of humor and playfulness in the midst of all the serious things they must address, then the marriage can probably make it to the “other side.”

How to be silly?

I think the best silliness comes from your creativity and works for you as a couple. But, let me suggest one crazy idea that just might make marriage fun again. The best part? It’s cheap and it doesn’t take a lot of time.

 According to the mom person everyone, including me, has a birthday. I’m not exactly sure what a birthday is, but I know that it’s an actual day and that on mine, I get an extra big bone to chew. Thus, I have concluded that birthdays are a good thing. I just wish they happened more frequently.

The mom person also said that the older mom person is having a big birthday celebration today. For those of you who don’t know, the older mom person and her mate come to my home every time the weather gets really cold. She does a lot of the same things that the mom person does, but she does them slower.

I’m not sure why she does them slower, but my theory is that the more gray fur one has on his or her head, the slower that person moves. That must be because the gray fur weighs more. I’m pretty sure this is true, because I’m moving slower, too and the mom person says I have some gray fur as well. However, I’m not sure I always get the straight scoop from the mom person.

The gray fur must make your joints hurt. I don’t really like gray fur for that reason.

I don’t understand celebrations, but I know it means that there are lots of people show up and there are usually good table scraps at celebrations. Therefore, I am pro-celebration.

I really like the older mom person. She understands me.

If the mom or dad person are not around, she makes sure I get to go out whenever I want (Roughly 10 times a day is optimal.), and she makes sure I have food and water in my bowls. She sits for long periods of time and that allows for maximum head scratching and petting and one can never have too many head scratches or people stroking my fur.

She must sit more often because the gray fur is getting too heavy.

Since she seems to smile whenever I appear, I told the mom person that I should go to the big birthday celebration. I even told her I would bring my biggest bone as a present for her.

But the mom person said no. (By the way, I’m anti-no.)

I told her I could just get in her lab-sized suitcase, but she said she needed that space for her fur coverings. She sure needs a lot of fur coverings, too. Why do people need that many? I only need one. Mine works for every occasion, even for celebrations.

So, older mom person? If you’re reading this, Happy Big Birthday Celebration.

I’ll have to mail you the bone.

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A lot of trespassers come into my yard and I call them trespassers for a reason–I have NOT given them permission to be in my yard. My yard is supposed to be my sunning and shading area. A girl has to get her rays, even if she is covered in fur!

And on a hot day I want the area underneath the huge leafy things to be reserved for laying down and napping. Unfortunately, these trespassers have not gotten that message!

I tolerate the winged invaders because they now know, thanks to me, that they are not welcome in the huge leafy things or on my patio. They largely fly away when I enter my yard.

And I put up with the tiny crawling things, largely because I can swat them with my tail and paws and even use my jaws of death to take care of them, permanently.

But, I’ve learned to be wary of one invader–they get from place to place by hopping. If you ask me, hopping is a lot of work to just get from place to another. Especially when they don’t seem to cover much territory in one hop.

These slimy-looking creatures with ugly skin (I never trust anything without fur, including the mom person) just weird me out. At least the mom person’s skin is pretty much one color, although I’ve noticed that she is now putting brown spots on her skin. I’ve never seen her do it, so she must be getting this done when she goes in the thing with the four round paws.

But these hopping guys are a variety of really ugly colors. (Yes, I’ve already established that I can see colors, because I’m one special canine.) One day I decided they were hopping way too slowly to get out of my way and so I decided to nudge them farther out of my path.

This was a huge (yuge???) mistake. That vile thing squirted this really disgusting stuff in my face. It made me scrunch up my face, which is so unbecoming for a magnificent creature like myself. And I then had to find some vertical surface where I could get this awful stuff off of me.

The mom person doesn’t seem to like it much if I use the inside vertical surfaces to get this stuff off my fur and face. I don’t know why. She’s just weird.

She isn’t too thrilled if I use the porch sitting structures, either. What’s a girl supposed to do??? I usually resort to the rough textured vertical stuff outside, including the leafy things.

I saw yet another one this morning, right beside my entrance onto the porch! What audacity!

Thankfully, if I keep my distance, but just edge closer to his back side, he eventually hops away. It takes forever, but at least he eventually leaves.

Do they make a shock collar for the hopping things? If so, I think the mom person should get one immediately. Guarding the yard is way too much work in this heat.

Monday’s Post: One person has already guessed the WOW this week…

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As most of you know, I tolerate other canines and that’s about it. I tolerate them. I like being Queen of the Domicile around here. Yes, that’s an official title. What do you mean you don’t believe me? I’m sure my tiara is around here somewhere. The mom person probably has hidden it…like she does with all of my treats.

Like it or not, my home occasionally gets invaded by other canines who think they also reign supreme. Recently, though, I’ve begun going to this dog paradise place with big water bowls, lots of trees and lots of interesting poop.

What? You don’t find poop interesting? What is wrong with you? You can’t tell anything about anybody unless you smell their poop. Geez. And I thought you humans were smart.

I do a lot of panting at this time of year. Why do the humans make it so hot outside? (They control everything.) There never seems to be enough water in my bowl and I even make myself look really pathetic as I pant and hang out by the Mom person when it gets empty.

Thankfully, my humans have square stones on the kitchen floor. I don’t know how they find so many stones that are the same size and color perfectly, but my humans are pretty clever. The stones have magic powers in them.

No! It’s true.

How do I know this? Because whenever I pant after coming from outside, laying down on the square stones stops my panting almost instantly! I don’t know how they do this, but it happens.

I no longer waste any more time when coming inside. I go immediately to the magic stones and make sure as much of my body is touching those magic stones as I can. This usually means I have to be in the middle of the floor.

The mom person doesn’t seem overly fond of me using this section of the floor. She says she has to step over me when going from one part of the floor to another. But she would quit complaining if she’d put her body on the floor with me. This is awesome stuff here!

When I quit panting, the stones have another magical effect–they make me sleepy. I tend to wake up on these stones a lot.

There’s only one down side to these square stones. They aren’t quite as comfy as my bed or the humans’ beds. I may have to strike for better canine conditions in the future. These humans are supposed to cater to my every need. They just don’t know it yet. I prefer to keep them in the dark about my true intentions as often as possible. It makes for better bargaining positions.

You’ll have to excuse me now…I need to make my “Maizie on Strike” signs.

Monday’s Post: What’s Beltane?

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My ears are, as the humans say, a “mixed bag.” On the one side they get lots of petting. The mom person says that I have the softest ears of any dog she has ever known. (Like she knows so many!) There’s this person that looks kinda like the mom person, but she is doesn’t have as many creases in her face and she’s owned by the big black dog that goes with me to that place with all the trees I like to sniff.

Even that person says I have really soft ears, too. So, if I really want to love on my people, I put my ears closest to them, knowing they will eventually succumb to their softness. If they don’t get the message, I nudge those ears closer to their hands. I also do this if they stop succumbing to them. Sometimes I get in trouble for this if I do it for too long.

That doesn’t stop me. I just move on to the next human. Sooner or later they all pet the ears.

When I was a pup, I lived with my mom and dad and a brother and sister. My sister was rather pathetic; she always brought up the rear whenever our people called us. We lived in this place called the garage. We weren’t the only four-legged animals there–there were these furry little critters who make these weird noises. They are not like us canines.

They have retractable claws, kinda like Hugh Jackman. (Yes, I know who Hugh Jackman is–I live with the mom person, remember? She’s rather fond of Hugh.) Those retractable claws look harmless, but take one of their toys and let me tell you, you’ll never do that again!

The good news is that they have an early detection system for those claws coming out. They make a sound kinda like a snake and not in a good way. They bare those really pointy teeth that are just about as dangerous as those retractable claws while making the snake sound. So, I learned to get behind Mom and Dad whenever they were making those sounds.

Maizie

At this time of year I pant a lot. The mom person says I’m the loudest panting dog she’s ever heard. Like she’s heard so many…I’m the only canine around my domicile, so how would she know? She doesn’t say this like it’s a good thing. But it is a good thing–it cools me off.

I think, just to make the mom person happy, the dad person gets out these things he calls clippers. (If I were the dad person, I would do everything I could to make the mom person happy, too–I have seen her when she’s not happy and it’s not pretty.) The clippers have a really long “tail,” at least that’s what I think it is. It has a weird end to it that bulges and then has two ends to it. These two ends fit rather snugly into these wall openings at my domicile.

When the tail end is in the wall openings, the clippers make a buzzing sound and they vibrate. I have been around buzzing insects outside and that is usually a bad thing. At the very least it’s annoying. Most of the buzzing insects have wings, like the winged invaders. But, the clippers do not, so I’m not sure what kind of animal they are.

They seem really heavy, too, because if the dad person drops them accidentally, they clunk pretty hard. That’s probably why they don’t have wings–come to think of it. If you are heavy, flying’s tricky. Maybe they’re those really fat winged invaders that I see on TV a lot in the cold weather month (You know…the one right after scary midgets show up at my domicile door begging for people treats to put in their kibble buckets).

After the clippers have their tail in the wall openings (Doesn’t that hurt them?), the dad person takes me outside and makes me lay down in the yard. I was really nervous about this the first time, but those clippers really like to eat my winter fur! And I’m pretty sure my winter fur is part of why I pant so loudly in the summertime.

All I know is that when the clippers are done eating my winter fur, I’m a lot more comfy and I don’t have to pant. I seem lighter, too. So, it’s actually a good thing for me. Now, I just lay down immediately and roll over on my back so the dad person can let the clippers eat my belly fur first. I’m instantly cooler with just that part eaten because that’s the part that touches that really hot green carpet stuff in my back yard.

The dad person noticed that I now like the clippers and so he decided to make me a little like them. I now have a fur bulge at the end of my tail, too. But I’m not letting him put my tail into those wall openings. I don’t want to buzz and eat fur. No sir! I prefer meat and cheese when it comes to eating. I’m a canine cuisine connoisseur.

Yep. That’s me. Maizie Flay. And you don’t see Bobby cooking with fur. He cooks with a lot of weird stuff, but not even he draws the line at fur.

Monday’s Post: What is pandiculation?

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I am tuckered out. Still.

Last weekend was weird. I got in the Dad person’s big white animal with rollers for legs (I think they call it a car???) and went with him to the place with the big water bowls. He didn’t make me stay or anything when I got there, but then he pulled out this really loud, scary thing that cuts down the homes of the winged invaders and it makes a LOT of noise. I decided to stay in the back of the car where it was safe.

Later, we went to the big house near one of the water bowls and I kept trying to go down to the water bowl, but the Dad person wouldn’t let me. I had to drink out of one of those shiny little bowls and it didn’t taste like my domicile’s water. Those shiny things must make the water taste funny and if so, it’s probably not good for me.

I had to stay in my travel cave at night and I didn’t like that, either. The good news is that on the 2nd day, the Mom person showed up and she and I went for a walk. She is really slow when she walks, probably because she only has two legs. I had to keep waiting on her to catch up to me. It was a pain. I mean, I DO have to check out all the animal smells within a 4-mile radius–that IS my job and she was not helping with her pokey walking AT ALL.

I did like the last part of the weekend–she and I rode in her blue car (It’s much bigger and I need the room.) and we stopped at various spots on the place with the big water bowls. What’s good about all of these spots is that each one is right next to a big water bowl.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of really tall green stuff between me and the bowls and I wasn’t sure I wanted to walk through there. Thankfully, the Mom person helped me find a place where there wasn’t too much of the tall stuff and I finally got to check out the water in the big water bowls. It tasted funny, too, but I was so hot and tired, I no longer cared.

After several stops, I got brave and tried to get to the water bowl myself. But the Mom person didn’t warn me that the walls of the bowl could be slippery and all of a sudden, KERSPLASH, I was IN the water bowl. That surprised me and it got all my fur wet. At first I didn’t like it, but then I realized that I didn’t even have to lower my neck into the water bowl. If you’re in the water bowl, the water is at chin level! It’s very convenient.

Also, if you’re in the water bowl, I don’t pant as much afterwards. I do shake out all the excess water, though. Preferably near the Mom person so she doesn’t pant as much, either. She didn’t seem to appreciate my helpfulness. I don’t know why. She’s weird.

Even with all my visits to the big water bowls, I was still hot and tired and I really slept hard afterwards when we started heading for my domicile. In fact I was sleepy the next day, too. I was fine with this arrangement until the big booms in the sky started up again.

Those big booms in the sky usually lead to my yard being wet, too, but I don’t like drinking water that comes from the big booms. I mean,  what if it booms at me while I’m drinking it???

I’ll just stay in my self-made bed cave until the booms stop and drink water from my trusty little bowl. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Monday’s Post: Are you a Word Nerd?

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Before you get your furless fur in a twist (The fact that furless fur can twist is not a plus, in my humble opinion and it sounds painful!), I’m not speaking about that heinous bathroom cavern where the Dad person gets me wet and soapy. I’m talking about the good tub–the one containing my canine food. I have to be specific, because I also get people food.

For some reason the people food isn’t as plentiful as it was when I was a pup. The Mom person says it’s because I’m a little more fluffy than I should be. Even though I’ve lost something called “pounds,” I’m still not getting very much people food. And this is very distressing. Because the people food almost always tastes better than my canine food.

Even the canine food isn’t as good as it used to be because the Mom person says that it’s Healthy Weight canine food. I have no earthly idea what that means, but all I know is that the canine food just doesn’t seem to have quite the same pizzazz as it used to have.

However, I am particularly happy when the Mom or Dad person brings me a huge bag of that Healthy Weight canine food. Why? Because the new stuff is always better than the old tub stuff. I don’t know why, but it’s true.

Unfortunately, the Mom person requires me to finish the tub food first. What up with that??? Why won’t she just pour in the new bagged stuff right away? It seems like a huge insult and injustice. I’m thinking of suing….if I ever figure out what suing is.

According to the other dogs in my “territory,” if I sue I have to have a lawyer. So, anyone know a good canine lawyer? I’m thinking the resident cats might be good candidates. Why?

They’re sneaky and generally hate all humans. They’re convinced humans are a Communist plot designed to bring down their feline reign. They seem to know how to manipulate the humans without doing tricks or sitting and staying. That works for me!

But, I digress…back to the tub food. I have figured out one way around the old tub food issue. If I empty my bowl as quickly as the Mom person puts it in my bowl, I get another scoop of canine food. If I do that often enough, eventually she has to give me the bag stuff!

One day this week, however, she cut me off. I was not amused. I gave her my most disdainful look ever and the woman had the gall to actually laugh at me. Grrr.

Will cats take dog bones as a retainer?

Monday’s Post: What seems mellifluous to you?

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