Warning: You may want to get 2 beverages first. 

For a little background on why someone like me would wind up in the hospital with heart attacks last Monday, please go here.

The very last thing a cardiologist should do to a writer is strap her down to a hospital bed for 8 days with medical “leashes”, put her on morphine and Xanax, and then think that she won’t use this “quality creative time” to her full advantage. I hope you’re up for a little gallows humor, because I’m about to explode with what I learned.

1. Two sips of Merlot and I’m in the ER. I always knew I hated red wine.
2. I think I now have a phobia about Merlot/red wine.
3. Nurses have amnesia, particularly when it comes to remembering my birthdate. Thanks to them, I can’t seem to forget it. As a token of my gratitude for helping my memory, I’m sending them Merlot wine.
4. My scooter still works. I didn’t even know I had one.
5. Don’t hug and kiss the Careflite nurse.
6. I got to cross off “Ride in a helicopter” from my Bucket List, but I don’t remember putting it on my List twice. Maybe it’s the morphine.
7. I also got to cross off “Travel down the main thoroughfare of our fair town with police permission while wearing nothing but a hospital gown on a gurney accompanied by 2 guys who aren’t my husband at 1 am in the morning.” Yeah, I was surprised that was on my Bucket List, too. The hubby was even more surprised.
8. We need to repave the main thoroughfare of our fair town. Remind me to vote for local road improvement at the next election.
9. If you’re claustrophobic, don’t ride in a Careflite helicopter. If you’re bigger than me, you may need to become a Cirque du Soleil contortionist to fit.
10. I have an alter ego. Her name is Mrs. Hook.  And apparently, my alter ego has a different address. She’s smarter—she decided to live closer to our local schools and my church. I wonder what illnesses she has. I hope she is okay.
11. While attaining my counseling degree, I studied nonverbal client behavior. That is not a good skill to have when watching your catheterization team look at your coronary arteries.
12. My nurses loved my mani/pedi. Note to self: Always schedule a mani/pedi 3 days prior to your next heart attack.
13. I have “young skin.” This gives me a new reason to stock up on my favorite Bath & Body Works products, right? Think I could be their “Jared”?
14. I baffle doctors and nurses because I don’t smoke, drink, eat too much, and exercise too little. They aren’t used to patients who follow their instructions?
15. I now know why I’ve been reading all these books on Heaven and death. God’s sick sense of humor just moved to a whole new level of twisted. Where were the books on resurrection????
16. Since I had symptoms prior to the gurney ride, my doctor ordered a nuclear stress test, in which they shoot dye into your coronary arteries prior to making you run on a hamster wheel until you fall off. Thanks to the Merlot, that was cancelled. I consider this a good thing since I only want dye applied to one part of my body—the part with the gray hair.
17. While scheduling the stress test, the receptionist gave me the following instruction: “No funny stuff between now and then!” I guess heart attacks are serious???
18. Always chew the chicken in your mouth prior to the next morphine drip.
19. I neglected my children’s musical education—they didn’t understand my Carly Simon reference when I uttered: “I haven’t got time for the pain.” Of course, it could be that I was morphine mumbling it and trying to chew my chicken at the same time.
20. I can recite the Lord’s Prayer in my sleep, unless the sleep is induced by morphine. Did you know Carly Simon lyrics are part of the Lord’s Prayer? Me neither.
21. I know night nurses can get bored so I like to keep them entertained with projectile vomiting every so often just to break up the monotony. Let’s just say my capacity to do this means I coat walls better than industrial spray paint equipment. Guess that will teach them to put that little plastic tub too far from my hospital bed, hunh?
22. My aforementioned little skill requires the contractor size of a Hefty bag to contain the clean-up materials. Maybe I can be Jared for Hefty??? Okay, so that would be awkward, too.
23. The hubby can conduct business from anywhere. For his next magic trick, he plans to take conference calls on Mars.
24. The hubby has an interesting career. You have no idea what Morphine MaryAnn does with the conference call term, “cows in heat.”
25. Morphine confuses my sense of direction. I thought my room was in the corner. That may be because I spent a good portion of my childhood there.
26. Doctors and nurses don’t believe me when I tell them the truth about my medical history. Of course, I’ve always thought my life story would make a good musical comedy. At least it would be more believable than “Cats.” My theory? “Cats” was dreamed up during “quality creative time” while on morphine.
27. Doctors are finding more Prinzmetal patients these days. Dang. I liked being unique.
28. However, few Prinzmetal patients actually produce heart attacks from their vasospasms without other heart disease risks. Guess my over-achiever/perfectionistic tendencies apply to my insides, too. Probably need to work on that sometime, hunh?
29. If you’re “tied to your hospital bed,” you go to bathroom by “committee.”
30. I never liked committee meetings.
31. I missed my treadmill. Yes, I missed my treadmill. Maybe I need to check into Bellevue next.
32. Last time they put me on Demerol. This time they said I would become too addicted to Demerol. (So, you can get addicted with a 14 year absence of Demerol in your system???? That’s impressive. Must add this to my things to do as an over-achiever.)
33. They injected morphine ad nauseam (literally) and then told me to get off the morphine because I might get addicted. This little “lecture” came 24 hours after the first injection. You can get addicted to morphine within 24 hours of the first injection? Yay—another way to be unique! And I have so much access to morphine living in small town suburbia. And my favorite way to entertain myself on the weekends is to stick needles into my veins.
34. Does morphine come in Merlot flavor? If so, I’m sending a case to my new favorite doctor, along with a 6 month supply of needles I found at Wally World on sale. I think they were on sale because they were “reconditioned.”
35. While attaining the master’s in counseling, we talked a lot about projection. See # 33. Dr. Freud would be so proud.
36. I’m supposed to endure torturous pain without morphine or Demerol. But, Xanax is fine? They didn’t study the same textbooks I studied. Uh, Doc? Xanax comes in pill form, thus eliminating the inconvenient need for needles from Wally World. (It’s so inconvenient to run there when you’re in withdrawal.) I guess morphine/Demerol addicts never take pills too often.
37. I think I’m beginning to understand why addiction is such a problem in the U.S.  And why counselors (who generally try to help addicts) so commonly abuse drugs.
38. A heart attack will bring a couple together more than a marriage retreat. Unfortunately, they’re usually more expensive than a marriage retreat. I personally think the reason why heart attacks bring couples closer together is because heart monitoring electrodes look so alluring by candlelight. They complement the IVs  quite nicely.
39. A heart attack is not enough for me. I like to throw in migraines, anaphylaxis, non-stop nausea and pericarditis just for grins. You know how I hate boring. My doctors and nurses were not amused.
40. Want to clear your busy schedule for a while? Have a heart attack. BOOM! Schedule cleared. Even your demanding writing schedule lightens up.
41. In a unit where you’re encouraged to rest, the nurses and patients are pretty deaf. At least that’s my conclusion after hearing them yell at each other. Either that or morphine and Xanax improve my hearing.
42. To deal with # 41, ask the youngest to fill up your iPod with inspiring songs.
43. The same child informed me, after heart attack # 3, that I have now had as many heart attacks as children. He said, “No more children, Mom.”
44. After heart attack # 4, I started looking around for my 4^th child. The daughter always wanted a little sister. #4 is my “favorite” since she never required diaper changes, potty training, “the talk”, adolescent tantrums or enormous college tuition bills. She has good skin like her mother.
45. It really hurts when you fall out of your hospital bed after hearing the Newsboys lyric: “They Don’t Serve Breakfast in Hell.” What?! No IHOP in Hell???? Geez. I guess I really will have to believe in the Big Guy now. I don’t want to miss breakfast.
46. The youngest apparently has the same twisted sense of humor as God.
47. I am blessed to have the best prayer warriors on the planet in “my corner” to make sure I don’t miss breakfast—ever. No Merlot necessary.

Next Post: Lessons Learned from Recuperation…

You might also like: Lessons Learned from Committing a Neatness to my Laundry Room, Lessons Learned from a Routine Examination, Lessons Learned from My Dentist  

Warning: War and Peace was shorter. You’re going to be here a while.

“We interrupt MIP’s usual weekly posts for a rather odd event in MaryAnn’s normally boring life. We will resume MIP‘s regular “programming” when MaryAnn stops reaching for her nitroglycerin pills.”

I should have seen it coming. Actually, I did and it scared the stuffing out of me.

When I began this blog in January, I chose an ambitious goal–to post 6 times a week. If the Lord can work 6 days a week, I probably should, too, right? I also chose to do “series” posts on various days of the week, one of these being, “Slow Reader Thursdays,” in which I review books that I’m reading. I have a pile of books that should have been read a long time ago–many of them gifts from family and friends. But, attaining a master’s degree, working, and raising a family often left me too tired to focus on reading them by the end of the day.

I have been letting God “choose” the book to review each week–even if I look at the cover and have a “meh” reaction. These are mostly Christian books so far–which would be a big indicator of not only who my family and friends are, but also a little bit about me. Lately, God had me reading back-to-back-to-back books on death and Heaven. How did I respond to this? Well, I obediently read the first two and then pulled a big “Jonah” on the last one. I knew God was trying to warn me and yes, I knew what he was warning me about and I tried to substitute another, happier book. I should have known he’d throw a big whale at me if I did that and I live in central Texas where whales are so plentiful!

If you don’t know me well, we have to go back in history a bit: In 1999, at age 39, out of the blue, with no risk factors for heart disease, I had 2 back-to-back heart attacks. I was at a healthy weight; I had low blood pressure; I didn’t drink; I didn’t smoke; I didn’t have diabetes and no history of early heart attack. We also learned that my arteries were pretty clean for a 39 year old American woman who’s been through childbirth 3 times. So, why would someone like me have a heart attack, let alone 2?

It turns out I have Prinzmetal angina, or vasospasms. This means my coronary arteries spasm; the spasm causes a blood clot and the clot creates a heart attack. To this day the only thing they know is a risk factor for Prinzmetal, for sure, is cocaine use. I do have powdery stuff around my house, but we tend to refer to them as dust bunnies. There is considerable speculation that stress is a factor, but I don’t know how to completely rid my life of stress. If you figure it out, please let me know.

Here are the “facts” of Prinzmetal:

1. You cannot exercise or diet your way out of it.

2. 1 out of 2 die from Prinzmetal angina when they have a heart attack.

3. There is no way to diagnose your risk for Prinzmetal’s at this time.

4. If you have it, you can pretty much guarantee yourself that you will another heart attack every 10 to 15 years. And no one knows why.

5. Verapamil (I personally view it as a wonder drug.) can stop vasospasms. And this it did very kindly and very successfully, for 14 years. And that brings me to recent events in my life.

On June 6th, that “old, familiar feeling” from 1999 reared its ugly head again. And I was in the metroplex of the Dallas/Ft. Worth area (about 75 miles from my home), without my drugs. Why? Because I had been healthy as a horse for the last 14 years and I get tired of being a walking pharmacy and sometimes a girl just needs more room in her purse or a smaller purse. (Stupid, right? I agree. Lesson learned–from now on the heart meds will be with me, no matter what. If I’m swimming in a pool soon, I’m putting them in a ziploc bag and strapping them (very unattractively) to my bathing suit.)

Fortunately, I have the world’s best hubby and he rushed me to a nearby convenience store, grabbed Bayer aspirin and I crammed 2 aspirin down my throat. The pain, thankfully, eased. I got home and took all the heart meds. It eased more. I went to bed and stayed there most of the weekend. Unfortunately, by Monday, my blood pressure was still up and my heart was cranky (My term for flashes of cardiac pain, but not heart attack symptoms.). I decided to go see my local doc and he ran tests. No sign of a heart attack, but knowing my wacky history, he ordered a nuclear stress test for 2 days later (We needed a cardiologist on-site for the test and I live in a very small town and this was the first opening with the cardiologist.)

Late on Monday night, the heart attack symptoms returned with a vengeance. I took the heart meds and nothing worked. I alerted that spectacular hubby of mine and we dressed quickly and went to the ER (which we can arrive at in less than 5 minutes, if necessary.). Bing. Bang. Boom. I was on a CareFlite going to the same hospital I went to in 1999. I was met by the heart catheterization (I tend to refer to arteriograms as “heart caths.”) team and bing, bang, boom, I was having an arteriogram yet again. And yes, again, they saw vasospasms. Unfortunately, this time, the spasming arteries were too small to insert a stent to keep the artery open and heart attack free (as they had done in 1999). They shot nitroglycerin (I usually call this nitro.) straight into the affected artery to no avail. Oh and one other thing, you’re awake for arteriograms, so my “counseloritis” was reading nonverbal behavior and not thrilled with what I was seeing from the heart cath team.

Plan B? Change and tweak meds until a winning combination was found to stop the vasospasms. Plan C? Nada. There’s nothing one can do to replace or repair a still healthy heart.

Now all of the above would be plenty for a gifted cardiologist to handle on a normal day. But I like to check and make sure docs are really on their game when I visit them. Thus, I throw chronic migraines and anaphylaxis to a variety of drugs into the mix. These little conditions all irritate the other, thus initiating one vicious cycle after another. It’s just loads of “fun”–trust me.

Thankfully, Plan B worked and I was home by Friday. Having been down this road before, I know that lots of bed rest, taking it easy, and clearing my schedule post-attack is required. I did so, only deciding to plant myself in my church pew on Sunday morning so I could say goodbye to my pastor and his family. They were moving to a new church and they mean a lot to me and we mutually cried our way through the service. I didn’t stand for the singing and let people come to me, if they wanted. I felt just fine.

Sunday night I couldn’t sleep, despite taking the prescribed sedative. I’m rather gifted at being a night owl insomniac. It’s when I “write” in my head, unfortunately. Normally, I would combat that with some treadmill time, but of course, this was not an option post-heart attack. So, I decided to put the “writing” on paper in my journal and pray it was out of my head enough to let me sleep. I finished up at midnight.

Almost at the same time, that old, familiar feeling returned again. Seriously? I grabbed my heart meds and tried, again, “to gain the upper hand.” But again, no response to the meds. So we pretty much repeated our prior week’s journey back to the metroplex hospital. What ensued for the next 24 to 48 hours was not pretty. This heart attack was different–my pain ebbed and flowed; the pain “floated” from one part of my heart to another; I was extremely nauseous; I had a hideous migraine and nothing worked. For the first time, I gave into groaning and moaning, sometimes yelling at my very faithful hubby, who never left my side. He and my nurse worked their rear ends off trying to solve my “issues.” I couldn’t even feed myself or swallow my meds on my own. My arm and hand veins, probably remembering the IV and blood sample pain from the previous week, did a rather large disappearing act. So, very soon, not only were my arms and hands radiating with pain, but they were badly bruised and throbbing almost non-stop.

I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. Thankfully, the chaplain from our local hospital, also a personal friend, paid a visit late into the evening and mercifully counseled me. (More about that later!) I could only muster a weak smile of thanks.

At one point I asked if they could just put me in a coma. My only relief was to sleep for a few hours and as soon as I woke, the pain and issues all returned. For some odd reason, I elected to have the hubby feed me the really bad hospital mashed potatoes…very, very slowly. Unlike all my usual nausea self-help foods, this seemed to work somewhat. They asked me if I could handle Mylanta or something similar. Usually, that just makes my vomiting worse. Then, from the deep reaches of my ancient memories, I remembered that I could sometimes thwart my nausea with Pepto Bismol tablets. The liquid did me in, but for some reason, I could handle the tablets.

Since this is not the normal treatment these days for nausea, it took them a while to get them to my floor, but I chewed the first two and felt less nauseous. I used that opportunity to eat more potatoes and a few other bland items. I asked if I could have more tablets. Two more were given and it improved even more. Pretty soon, the nausea was under control. Then, the medical staff could zone in on heart and migraine meds in full force to control these other issues.

Soon, the migraine was gone. The cardiologist did another arteriogram and indeed, I had had yet another heart attack. Tweaking meds began again. By Thursday, I was chomping to be discharged and now I’m back home yet again. Let’s hope I stay put this time.

Some have suggested that God is trying to teach me something and this is His way of getting my attention. I agree that I’ve learned a lot having had 4 heart attacks in 14 years, but trust me, I asked God what He wanted to teach me back in 1999 and I changed my lifestyle considerably and continue to do so, based on what I felt/feel He was/is showing me and teaching me. So, this time around I tend to think that God wants me, even in the midst of my agony, to be merciful to those around me who may be hurting in unseen ways. And that proved to be true. Some of the people taking care of me seemed to need an informal ‘counseling session’ from my hospital bed. Do I think there are other things I am to learn this time? Yes. Of course there are. He has been choosing to deepen his relationship with me even prior to these last 2 attacks and that proved to be really useful during the attacks.

The one thing that Prinzmetal teaches you emphatically is that you are not in control of your life. If you think you are, that’s an illusion. I know that God brought me into this world and He can take me out at any moment. So, I am literally painfully, aware that He is in charge–not me. And not my doctors and nurses. And I was ready to go to Heaven last Monday night if that was His will. (If you don’t believe me, talk to the hubby.) I don’t have a choice about it, so I might as well be willing. I choose to let Him order my life and whoever is in front of me, that’s my to-do list for the day. I cherish every moment here, but I also choose to look forward to Heaven where there is no more pain and I rest in Jesus’ arms and can be reunited with my “welcoming committee.” That’s not ghoulish…that’s just reality. And my God is very real.

Many of you have asked how you can help our family during this time. Trust me–we will contact you if help is needed, but by and large, we are fine. I just need time to heal. However, I do think 1 reason I was allowed to stick around for an additional 14 years was to make people aware of Prinzmetal angina, so please, please, please help me do that any way that you can.

And, of course, please pray for my family and friends. This is really tough on them when I go through this stuff, so I covet your prayers for them.  Finally, be the person God meant you to be. Don’t waste time on things that won’t get you closer to that goal. You never know when your next breath is your last breath. Doing that will help me the most, because I love you all and do get concerned when I see you straying from who you were designed to be. You will lower my stress level considerably if you get laser-focused on that. Change is possible–I’m living proof.

I now have a very interesting, very rare viewpoint that most do not get to experience and I actually consider it a gift to get to be a part of the Creator God’s master plan in small, but hopefully, meaningful ways because of my “health adventures.” Oh, and one more thing: I choose to poke a little fun at this, because what else am I supposed to do with this??? And so…stay tuned….your favorite “Lessons Learned” are coming your way sometime very soon. (In fact it’s already drafted–I tend to think God actually writes these–I’m not that funny in real life–trust me.) Laughter is a great healer and I prefer to think that God has the sickest, most twisted sense of humor on the planet when it comes to me.

In addition to sharing my “Lessons Learned,” I also want to share some of the stuff I learned this time, both practically and spiritually and share the things that God chose to use during the latest health adventures, so forgive me for interrupting the normal flow of posts here on MIP (Expect me to post at odd times! I don’t get to dictate my energy level or cranky heart moments right now.) temporarily to do so. I promise to return to them just as soon as God decides I’ve had enough helicopter rides for a while.

Tomorrow’s Post: The Song that Says It All…

You might also like: 2 Heart Attacks Too Soon, Part I; 2 Heart Attacks Too Soon, Part II; 2 Heart Attacks Too Soon, Part III; 2 Heart Attacks Too Soon, Part IV

Warning: You may want to get two of your favorite beverages first.

Some might think this is an inappropriate topic for a post. I tend to agree. However, you know me…inappropriate is my middle name.

Each year around this time MaryAnn goes through “the annual check-up” nightmare. Oh. Joy. Not. The first one, the dental check-up, is usually pretty easy, except for the things I outlined in my previous post! The next one is my annual heart check-up, thanks to having two heart attacks for a very weird reason at too young an age. Last, but certainly not least, is the dreaded “ladies” exam scheduled for next month. But, here is the “fun” that awaits me each year for the annual heart exam.

1. They weigh me at this exam and if my weight is too high, I get a “lecture”. This would be why I stopped scheduling this exam right after Christmas.

2. Based on the possibility of getting the lecture, I think I could qualify for an OCD diagnosis–I can’t seem to quit weighing myself 4 times a day the week prior to this exam.

3. There is an inverse correlation between “days to go before exam” and the number of Lean Cuisines in my freezer.

4. Based on the fact that I’ve actually considered taking more fiber pills before this exam to avoid the dreaded lecture, I think I also now qualify for an eating disorder. Note to self: Buy stock in whatever company makes Fibercon.

5. The possibility of MaryAnn actually running on her treadmill goes up dramatically the week prior to the exam.

6. You can walk/run for 99 minutes on your treadmill before you have to reset it for the rest of your workout. The most effective workout program on the treadmill? Stealth Killer Mode.

7. I now evaluate my clothes on how heavy they might be on that torture device known as a scale.

8. I am not allowed to eat or drink anything prior to my exam. That’s basically like saying, “Don’t look down!” to a person rappelling off a cliff.

9. The chances of me getting a migraine from not eating go up dramatically the day of the exam because the first available exam is at 4 pm in the afternoon. Does swallowing pain pills qualify as eating or drinking?

10. The lab techs at my exam are intent on bleeding me dry. I think they have been watching too many Twilight movies. The lab tech does look a lot like Bella.

11. The lab techs always ask me why I turn my head away from them as they bleed me dry. How long have they been doing this?

12. The lab techs always ask me a question that requires me to look at them just when they jab me with that big ol’ needle. Oh, and I forgot my smelling salts.

13. My blood is still red. Too red.

14. I’ve been going to this exam for 14 years and my medical file (I’ve never changed clinics.) is now entering “Volume 3” status. Yet, on the one occasion I don’t bring my plethora (You’re welcome, DD.) of medicine bottles with me (because I didn’t have time to rent a U-Haul), they will ask me for all the drugs I’m on, including milligrams per pill. Here’s a thought: how about consulting Volume 3 for all of those milligrams? You prescribed them, silly clinic. Oh. And another thought: When you call me to remind me of the appointment and not to eat or drink, how about suggesting I bring all my bottles with me??? Oh. Wait. That makes sense and would be too convenient for me.

15. They require a urine sample. See # 8. I’ve resorted to jumping up and down in the restroom. I sure hope there are no hidden cameras in that lab restroom. That door where you put the specimen makes me very nervous…easy place to put a hidden camera, if you ask me.

16. I now qualify for a paranoia diagnosis in the DSM.

17. The procedure to “properly” collect a urine specimen is longer than the instructions on how to launch a NASA rocket into space. This might explain why insurance companies are reluctant to pay for “experimental medical treatments.” Jus’ sayin’.

18. # 17 does not help with # 16.

19. The nurse insists on placing actual metal contact points all over the trunk of my body and then hooking me up to an electrical device. And they stick on like post-its. Note to self: Buy more stock in 3M. When do they bring in the bucket of water to pour on my body? Oh. Wait. I might actually drink some of the water and that, of course, would be disastrous.

20. # 19 does not help with # 16.

21. Now, I have to run on a treadmill. I don’t “do” running. And I’m wearing street shoes. How about adding “Wear sneakers” to the ever-growing list on # 14? And since I have maxed out my treadmill on minutes per workout for the last month in preparation for this exam, they’re all ticked that they can’t get my heart rate above the “I’m bleeding out of my ears” level. They continue to increase the speed until I fall off the treadmill and bang into the adjacent wall. 

22. At least I’m in the right place for stitches.

23. As I limp out of the clinic, I pay my exorbitant co-pay that Obamacare was supposed to be paying.  The bleeding continues.

24. As I get in my car, I think, “And I don’t have my test results back yet.” See # 16.

25. The result of the exam? I now have a new prescription…for anti-anxiety meds. The bleeding continues.

26. My car drives straight to McDonald’s and orders 3 Big Macs. Not me…the car. I’m still in shock.

Point to Ponder Challenge: What annual exams or tests have you been putting off because of fear, laziness, or busyness? Your health is at risk, if there are some on the list you haven’t done or you don’t know what exams or tests you should be having. If you know you’re procrastinating, get busy and get at least one of them scheduled today…the “lecture” shouldn’t stop you! If you aren’t sure what you need, consult a trusted medical source to find out. If you can’t afford such an exam or test (or insurance won’t cover it), google local places that may be willing to do some screenings for free (or at a reduced price) at a health fair, etc. You cannot work if you are sick! You cannot take care of your family if you are sick! You can’t study (at least not well!) if you’re sick! If you are fearful of the test/exam, take a friend or family member with you and let them know about your fear. Usually, reality is not nearly as bad as our minds envision! And yes, the above was “dramatized” just to get you to giggle about all of this as you go forward and get proactive about your health.

Tomorrow’s Post: I am…not done with the book I am…supposed to be finished with. Might have something to do with being traumatized from this exam. Jus’ sayin’.

Warning: Get your favorite beverage first. 

Today is Dentist’s Day. Since I just had my dental check-up last week and the mother-in-law had to endure oral surgery last week, it seems only fitting to talk about someone I have been “seeing” for over 20 years. I have been blessed with great dentists throughout my life, despite a mouth that wears out the most ardent proponent of the “choppers.” And they are probably a much under-appreciated group of professionals, so here’s what they have taught me thus far:

1. I miss the little white spit sink. Don’t ask me why. There are some reading this who have no idea what I’m talking about.

2. Since some of my fillings have been around since prehistoric times, I am deeply concerned about the loud sucking sound emanating from the end of my dental hygienist’s hand.

3. Pictures of my dental hygienist skydiving with my beloved dentist do not add to my sense of calm.

4. I need a blood transfusion after hanging upside down in that dental chair. I’m waiting for them to strap in my ankles  the next time. I’m also waiting for the NASA countdown to begin.

5. I’m convinced that dental syringes are what they feature as a torture device in Hollywood movies about Frankenstein.

6. I pay for the privilege of someone grinding on my teeth with a drill that puts a minty gritty substance in my mouth for the next 2 hours. This probably means I need to turn in my Phi Beta Kappa pin.

7. My dentist keeps asking if he can take out my wisdom teeth. I keep reminding him he did that in 2006. He says it would be easier this time around, as a result. Maybe we should revoke his Phi Beta Kappa pin, too.

8. Dentists apparently have to finish Stand-Up Comedy School in conjunction with finishing dental school. See # 7.

9. If your oral surgeon refers to your husband as Little John, it might be time to get a new oral surgeon. See # 8.

10. The nerve between your two upper front teeth has to be the most sensitive part of your body and your dentist is well aware of that and is apparently a sadist. See # 5.

11. You can kiss your husband, even with the bottom right side of your mouth and face being completely numb, but he will keep wondering why you shift your face towards the right to do so.

12. We can do panoramic x-rays by just having a machine go around your head. We can MRI entire bodies by simply inserting ourselves into a tube. Yet, when getting a check-up, the dental staff insist on invoking my gag reflex by inserting inflexible, awful-tasting, large pieces of plastic in my mouth. Why don’t they just insert a large serving spoon in the back of my mouth so that I can at least make an ’80’s joke about it??? Again, there is an entire generation who doesn’t get that reference, either.

13.  The people who invented the mammogram machine must have invented those dental x-ray pieces. They must be sadists, too.

14. All dental offices have the same tooth “cutaway” model in their offices. And I can live without seeing the inside of my molar. Thank you.

15. All dentists give you a complimentary toothbrush that might take the plaque off a flea, if you brush really, really hard and use an entire tube of toothpaste. But, I never receive a complimentary tube of toothpaste.

16. After you grow up, dentists will tell you that you should have had your wisdom teeth out 20 years ago because it would have been easier. What’s the statute of limitations on suing your childhood dentist?

17. After you grow up, dentists will tell you that you should have had braces. If I find my childhood dentist, he can pay for the braces’ deductible and my unemployment insurance for being the only adult to wear headgear when interviewing for a job. Wearing headgear to a job interview somehow does not convey maturity and responsibility.

18. After you grow up, dentists will tell you that your mother should not have taken certain drugs while pregnant with you and that that is why you now need whitening treatments. Since I had no control over what the woman took during her pregnancy, what is the point of this??? Can I sue my mother? Oh. Wait. She died 10 years ago. Never mind.

19. While your children are growing up, the dentist will demand that you pay for all of your children to have braces, whiten their teeth, and to take out their wisdom teeth. My sense of fair play is not exactly happy. Neither is our dental insurance carrier.

20. As children we regularly saw commercials for how Grape Nuts cereal was good for us. As adults our dentists tell us eating Grape Nuts every morning as children is why we are losing enamel and have cracks in our teeth. I should have listened to my Scottish grandmother, who suggested eating oatmeal every day. At least that is a cereal I can gum my way through, should I lose all my cracked teeth.

21. Foods with high acidity are bad for the precious enamel on our teeth. What do our doctors want us to eat? Foods with high acidity. Hmmmm….Will the doc pay for my caps?

22. Anything my dental insurance will pay for is not tooth-colored. Just call me metal-mouth and no, I’m not wearing braces.

23. Colored braces came out…after I grew up. I sense a conspiracy here.

24. Dental office waiting rooms come equipped with a fully-stocked playroom, complete with DVD player and lots of Disney movies. You guessed it…this occurred after I grew up.

25. The “grown-up” dental office waiting room is “decorated” with an antique soda-pop machine. This is the definition of irony, right??? I need to give that definition to Dr. Comedian. Maybe that’s his way of working on job stability in a recessionary economy????

Point to Ponder Challenge: Gum disease and other dental inflammatory diseases are now being linked to much more serious disease, such as heart disease. Have you brushed and flossed today??? Is it time to get a new toothbrush? Has it been too long since you’ve been to the dentist? Work on improving your dental health in some tangible way today!

Tomorrow’s Post: Do you believe in miracles?

What do psoriasis, migraines, arthritis, and gum disease all have in common? They are all newly-discovered risk factors for heart disease. If I had my two heart attacks today, I could no longer answer “No” to every heart disease risk factor question. Why?

Because I have had migraines for nearly 47 years and they don’t appear to be permanently going away any time soon. But, they, in and of themselves, are a huge risk factor for heart disease now. The kicker is that one of the meds I was taking to prevent migraines in 1999 actually increased my risk for heart attacks! In fact, several medications that I was taking back then for various “routine” health conditions were all huge problems for someone at risk for heart attacks!

Those who experience auras with their migraines are much more at risk for heart attack than those who don’t. So, if you are a migraine sufferer with auras, that means you need to eat right, exercise regularly and talk to your doctor NOW. You might be on a medication that could throw you into a heart attack just like me, since this is a relatively new finding!

Also, not getting enough sleep can increase your risk! What?! Yep, that’s right. Why? Because a lack of sleep increases your stress level and stress can increase the inflammatory response of the body. So, knock off the coffee in the afternoon and choose decaf or better yet, simple little water.

What else does this mean? We should all be brushing and flossing our teeth regularly. Such a simple thing to do, but how many of us slack on this? And if your arthritis is out of control or your psoriasis is out of control, you need to be talking to your doctor as well. Why? Because these are all inflammatory diseases and there is now a link between inflammation in the body and the potential for having a heart attack.

In addition, you should know the heart attack symptoms and get yourself to an ER or doctor’s office immediately if you experience these symptoms. Lastly, you need to be eating right, taking your vitamins, and exercising regularly, not only to prevent heart attacks, but also to increase your chances of surviving one, should you have one. A woman is diagnosed with breast cancer every 2.5 minutes; a woman has a heart attack every minute. Heart attacks are the # 1 killer of women and I came ridiculously close to being a part of that statistic in 1999.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking you are too healthy to have a heart attack like moi. Be smart. Be the hero. Do your job for those you love–take care of you!

Point to Ponder Challenge # 1: Visit this link to learn more about how migraines (and taking certain contraceptives) can increase the risk for heart attacks. 

Point to Ponder Challenge # 2: Are you getting enough sleep at night? (Preferably 7-8 hours per night) What can you do to change that pattern, if not? No more caffeine after 3 pm? Yoga or pilates before bed? Drinking warm milk (has tryptophan and is actually pretty tasty with some sweetener and Mexican vanilla!) before bed? Turning off the TV? Reading a book? Praying? Singing (Probably best to do this in your head, if you have “roomies”!)? Taking a warm shower? Lavender Pillow Spray? Make a “sleep log” and see if any of your interventions are working.

Point to Ponder Challenge # 3: Psoriasis sufferer? Visit this link and then make a visit to your doc if new meds may be warranted.

Point to Ponder Challenge # 4: Bad about brushing/flossing your teeth regularly? No? Visit this link to learn why it’s important. Then, get busy and brush those teeth and keep that floss handy!

Point to Ponder Challenge # 5: Arthritis bringing you down? Visit this link and learn what you can do to reduce your risk for heart disease by curbing arthritis’ impact on your life. Then, go exercise! Yes, exercise. It actually reduces arthritis over time. And I highly recommend a Tempur-Pedic bed, if you can afford it…my arthritis is almost 100% gone because of exercise and that cushy bed. And I sleep a whole lot better, which just took care of Challenge # 2! Boom! I love it when a plan comes together. 🙂

Tomorrow’s Post: The Man of Misdirection

Scanning is a good thing, normally. It’s what got me through college and grad school. But, this is not one of those times. Please read (at least) Part 1 of this series to understand the following:

1. Think you can miss 14 years of your life?  Here’s what happened during the last 14 of mine:  The eldest DS graduated from High School and College.  He made the Dean’s List and has a full-time job now.  The DD graduated from high school and college.  She got engaged.  She got married.  The DSL graduated from high school  and college, too. The DD got a full ride into grad school. The LSH and I celebrated our 20^th, 25^th, and 30th anniversaries.  I went to Europe with the LSH.  I was a bridesmaid again.  All 3 of my kids got their driver’s licenses.  I eulogized my mom and dad at their funerals.  I lost several aunts and uncles.  I lost my best friend.  I walked 60 miles in 3 days to celebrate and honor her life.  I completed a master’s degree.  I gave up a great job to help 50+ of the best students at our town’s university.  I passed the National Licensing Exam for counselors. I went to Alaska with the LSH. I have a “sea” of adopteds that I would give my life up for anytime, any place. We discovered that the eldest DS has ADD.  We discovered that the youngest DS has Sensory Processing Disorder, is gifted and has vision focusing problems.  The youngest DS got into his favorite college. We’ve ordered his HS graduation announcements. In other words, I’m glad I stuck around, even on the bad days.
2. Here’s what’s on the docket for the next 14, God willing:  The DD and DSL will welcome a healthy child into their home and I’ll get to spoil that kid rotten (The DD and DSL do not get a choice about this!); the eldest DS will find the woman of his dreams and advance his career; I will be successful blogging and finally publish a book; the youngest DS will graduate from high school and college and find the woman of his dreams; the LSH and I will celebrate our 35^th, 40^th, and 45th anniversaries; we will watch another several adopteds get married; we will watch a few more nieces and nephews get married.  In other words, embrace the barbell, even on the bad days.
3. You are not replaceable.  God put you here because He has a mission for you that only you can complete.  Don’t kid yourself.
4. I care about you even when you think you are unworthy of such care.  I care about you even when you think I’m not looking.  I may just be a little busy holding my barbell to show you that, and still working on yanking out my selfish weeds.

Point to Ponder Challenge # 1: What happened in the last 14 years of your life? Make a list. What is likely to happen in the next 14 years of your life? Make another  list.What needs to change so you can be around for that second list? Start working on THAT list today. 

Point to Ponder Challenge # 2: Watch “It’s a Wonderful Life.” What events took place in your lifetime only because of your presence for those events? What else do you want to “make happen” in the next decade? What is the first step to making at least one of those things happen?

Tomorrow’s Post: What really causes heart attacks

This post will make much more sense if you at least read Part 1. But, if you enjoy “living in the dark,” turn on a light and read on:

1. When you are a heart attack survivor, your family suffers.  They now can’t take certain drugs because of my little adventure in 1999.  They have to get a flu shot every year.  Getting health insurance at a lower rate is tricky now.  Changing jobs is out of the question for your spouse due to your health history.  Most people have never heard of my little heart condition and they are constantly having to explain it to doctors. Yeah, doctors.  It’s that rare.  My kids “freak” every time I sneeze.  They know I most likely will revisit 1999 someday.  When one of their 2nd moms/wife’s friends dies, it does them in.  Why?  Because those moms took care of them while I was in the hospital and it reminds them how close they came to losing their own mom/own wife in 1999.
2. I am loved.  I sorta knew this, but now I REALLY know it.  17 messages on your answering machine every day for 2 weeks straight will remind you just how fortunate you are to live in Small Town TX and be in two great families.
3. Life is a learning adventure.  Never stop learning…it’s as good as the wrinkle cream, too.
4. Learn from the next generation.  They are fun, cool, smart, loving, interesting people.  Get to know them.  Respect them.  Love them–they deserve it.
5. Connect with your generation.  They know why you’re as warped as you are.  They know all the lyrics to the stupidest show in history–Gilligan’s Island, and they will help you “Celebrate Good Times” and not laugh when you want to put on your, your, your, your, your boogie shoes and boogie with you.
6. Laughter IS the best medicine.  Marry someone who makes you laugh when you’re ready to cry.  Do stupid stuff like dancing in the shower and smashing confetti eggs on people’s heads.  Better than the wrinkle cream and I’ve grown to loving laugh lines on people. 🙂  They’re sexy, if you ask me.  Yes, I said that.
7. Listen to the older generation.  They’ve been where you are hopefully going and where you are right now.  If they’ve made it to old age, that means they know how to get you to the next phase of your life intact.  Most are amazingly upbeat, despite a wide variety of challenges and repeatedly going to funerals.  And they don’t mind if you drone on about your children….a big plus!
8. Every big, bad, mean, black cloud has a silver lining.  Every. Single. One.  It may take 10 years to find it, but it will show itself eventually.  Hang in there.  Learn what you can learn from it.

Point to Ponder Challenge # 1: Hug a family member and tell them, “I love you.” It may be your last chance to do so. 

Point to Ponder Challenge # 2: Seek out someone from a different generation and spend an hour asking them questions about subjects that aren’t your area of expertise.