Warning: Get 2 of your beverages first.

Thanks to the DSL, you never see all the spam I get here at MIP on a daily basis. Today, so far, I have received 58. And that’s every day of every week of every month. Thankfully, my handsome DSL has rigged up a system that allows me to click just one button and delete them all, but I still have to do that every day of every week of every month.

One of the banes of my existence is that I’m excessively curious, so of course, I can’t just click on the handy, dandy button. No, I actually go and look at this massive file and chuckle at what people/organizations/evil empires think will get past the spam filter to actually make it on my blog as a comment or email to me. They are making some really interesting assumptions about my blog and who I am.  My only fear in posting these themes and assumptions is that my site will now get flagged as spam itself by people who don’t take the time to read my blog posts. As far as I’m concerned, they belong to the evil empires, too.

1. Jewelry stores in Edmonton and Toronto. Ummm…I live in Texas and when I want to buy jewelry, I like to try it on and look at it in person. Call me crazy, but it might be difficult to do that easily in another country thousands of miles from my home.

2. Car dealers in St. Louis and Des Moines. Like # 1, these folks need some geography lessons.

3. Cooking systems. Here’s my cooking system: Make a reservation.

4. Chinese banks. Since the Chinese already have enough U.S. currency, I think I’ll keep my money elsewhere. Besides, I don’t know how to type those funny alphabet symbols into my browser bar.

5. Fashion designers. Yes, I do have a subscription to In Style. How I got it I have no idea. I tend to think it’s due to an April Fool’s Day prank, because what I don on most days comes from the fashion web site called Le Walmarte. What do I do with the In Style magazine? Toss it in my designer waste basket from Le Walmarte Home Couture Boutique.

6. Addiction recovery sites. This one I do understand a little bit. I do make reference to being trained as a counselor. When I worked on my master’s in this area, my classmates and I were continually encouraged to determine who we felt we could best counsel. I concluded, very quickly, that addicts were not my group to counsel. God still has a sick sense of humor.

7. Pirates. Arr, me hearties. Apparently, they know how often I watch Six Days, Seven Nights and Captain Phillips. Excuse me, I need to go feed my parrot. He’s bothering my partridge again.

8. Plaster Companies. Next time I break my leg or my ceiling starts “shedding,” I will…go to the ER or call my local contractor. I’m not sure you can ship contractors and doctors via UPS.

9. Gambling sites. Now, I do confess to occasionally (and I do mean occasionally!) visiting gambling establishments while on vacations, but trust me, I like my money too much. My idea of a big bet is 50 cents. And if my allotted “gambling money” disappears, I go look for getting ripped off in other ways, like paying my taxes and paying off hospital bills.

10. Law sites. While I’m privileged to know good attorneys, I don’t spend my Sundays perusing the legal beagle sites. Sorry. I find getting a root canal done more interesting and less painful.

11. Expensive shades. While I adore having lots of shades (because my future’s so bright), again, I shop at the Le Walmarte Ocular Boutique.

12. Comments telling me how wonderful MIP is using bad grammar. Just because I use it doesn’t mean I like it. Apparently, these folks haven’t met my kids, who would all call Mom the Grammar Police.

13. Free snow. Umm…the snow I like is already free, so why would I need to pay shipping and handling to get something for free. Ohhhhhh….so you’re selling drugs? May I refer you to the addiction sites and the legal sites? Perhaps they can educate you on why you’re part of an evil empire.

14. Oktoberfest sites. Umm…I hate beer and haven’t really followed polka bands lately. Now, if you’re giving away free strudel, maybe we can talk. I’ll get back to you around…November.

15. Tennis shoes. Okay. So I wear a lot of sneakers. But the brand that keeps coming my way is one I cannot stand! Maybe that’s why they need to spam my blog? To sell their awful tennies? How about designing better shoes and selling them at Le Walmarte Foot Couture Boutique?

16. Comments about plugging your site. I have to confess that I understand this idea–it’s a way to get people to notice your stuff and I’ve been tempted to do that myself. It just seems wrong to me, though. I figure if I write good stuff, people will find me. I didn’t say I was smart.

17. Rice depots. I’ve never felt the need to go to a train depot to get rice. Okay. So, my secret is out.

18. Dredging engineering. I don’t even know what dredging is. I just dated engineers. And then married a farmer. I don’t have to look up farmer in the dictionary.

19. Fudge repairing. My fudge has never needed any repairs. Why? Because I buy perfection. Now the weight it adds to my waistline? That needs fixing.

20. DJ sound stuff. Ummm…I have difficulty downloading songs from iTunes.

21. FIFA. I prefer “under 6” soccer games. I think that if you don’t have to yell, “Sweetie, you can’t take a nap in the middle of the field during the game!” or don’t have to make a celebratory parent tunnel at the end of the game for the losing team, it’s just not really soccer.

22. “It” sites. These sites’ comments are blessedly brief, unlike the Chinese sites. But, I think I already have “it.” What I’d like to find are sites willing to take away my “its.”

23. Sites wanting to help me set up my blog. Timing is everything, dear ones. And these sites obviously don’t have an alarm clock. Maybe they can get it at the “it” site.

Friday’s Post: Slow Reader Friday Book Club Time!

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If you are truly going to call yourself a naturalized Texan woman, there is one experience you must undertake.  Nope, it’s not wearing cowboy boots (Most Texas women wear stylish flip flops 9 months of the year, my dear Yankee friends. Sorry to burst your bubble on that one.).  Nope, it’s not donning a rhinestone-studded cowboy hat.  Nope, it’s not getting “big hair.”  Nope, it’s not riding a horse or roping a calf or shooting a gun.

To be truly Texan (or in my case, the naturalized version) and a Texan woman, one must visit the vaunted, hallowed Sam Moon. For my Yankee friends, Sam Moon is basically Cheap Accessory Heaven for us lady folk down here in the Lone Star State. And it makes Claire‘s and Icing look silly.  Why?  Because Sam Moon’s stores are about 10 times the size of a typical Claire‘s or Icing store.  And there is much more there than hair dohickies (It most certainly is a word!) and jewelry at Sam Moon.  There are rows upon rows of tables of purses, tiaras, luggage and now, home goods. It’s boggling.

Until last year, I could not claim naturalized Texan status. Yep, that’s right. I had lived in Texas for 20 years and have never been to Sam Moon. But, I don’t think my first trip will be my last trip.  For the uninitiated, here is the “411” on what to expect when stepping foot in a Sam Moon:

1. Remind yourself to pick your jaw off the floor after entering.

2. Sam must be Asian. And I think everyone who works at Sam Moon‘s must be his friends and family.

3. They are serious about plastic coverings on things at Sam Moon.

4. I cannot explain our stupidity in not visiting this store when the DD had to wear an average of 4 evening gowns per year during high school.

5. If they have it in clear colors, they have it in red, pink, blue, purple, gold, cream, black and probably orange.

6. Not everything at Sam Moon is cheap. But that’s a good thing…for my wallet.

7. If you think you’re spending $ 50 at Sam Moon, you are dead wrong. Double that….at least.

8. The DD and I do not have the same taste in jewelry or purses. But, we are pretty good at spotting the things that the other does like.

9. I do recommend a “team approach” to tackling this store. See # 8. Next time, I’m bringing “backup.”

10. If you have a definite idea of what you want at Sam Moon, you’ll change that idea at least 5 times in the course of picking something out.

11. If you can walk out of Sam Moon without buying something, you are a man.

12. If you are a man and forced to accompany a woman to this store, bring War and Peace and one of those folding chairs.  Bring a drink for the cup holder. Maybe two. Snacks are probably a good idea, too.

13. There are no one-hour trips to Sam Moon.  Plan on at least two, if not three or four hours.

14. I am a sucker for a bargain.  I am a sucker for real leather purses for under $ 40, too. *sigh* (But, can I add that I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my leather handbag that is really holding up well???)

15. Don’t see something that’s your particular taste??? Who are you? Ivana???

16. If it costs more than $ 5, then it’s in the “high security area.”  And you have to buy it in order to coordinate it with other things in other parts of Sam Moon.  Those clever Asians.

17. If you want to think about your high security item, you can put it in a box and take a number coordinating with that box, so it can be retrieved later when you decide you’re an idiot if you don’t buy it.

18. Apparently, a lot of people take advantage of those boxes.

19. Those boxes are not nearly big enough. I recommend refrigerator box size.

20. They keep building more Sam Moons. And they seem to get closer and closer to my home. This is not a good thing for my wallet. I would say that it might lead to a divorce, but the PH discovered the Sam Moon luggage store.  No War & Peace necessary.

Tomorrow’s Post: Remember Mattson?

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